2014 in review

2014 flew right on by and we are now entering "the year of the hover-board".
I like to spend a little bit of time at the end of the year in reflection. The first time I did this was here, for 2012, helping me create and seal some precious moments in that I would otherwise be unable to recover years from now. So let's look back at some of the biggest moments of 2014.

2014

A year of Hope, Hope Lost, Gratitude, and Grace.

January was our first full month home with Little Man. Quite a chunk of that time was spent battling RSV at Texas Children's. We were thrown head first into parenting. It challenged me to let go of expectations and control. I made the decision right there to not take for granted one second of the new gig I have been given. No matter what. 

In February, we started at The Rise School of Houston. 

Game Changer. 

The teachers and therapists at this school are one of a kind, helping Little Man reach his potential. He loves it, I love it and they, of course, love him. 

We spent Easter weekend in Boston visiting Aunt Courtney, Crazy Uncle C and sweet Cousin Abigail.    

The Ducks were wearing Ukraine and DS awareness colored scarves. They must have heard we were coming to Boston.

Best Friends in the making!

Spring came and brought with us Little Man's first birthday. 

What many did not know, is it also brought us another pregnancy. As Little Man blew out his candles (Ok, you caught me, really we blew them out), I had sweat beads of morning sickness nausea dripping down my neck. The flame flickered out and I pictured us doing this again at his birthday next year, with a baby in our arms. We were the cliche - we were that story that always gets told to adopting couples - we got pregnant right after an adoption!

In the summer, I graduated as a Family Nurse Practitioner and some how passed boards. Grace! An adoption and grad school might be tricky for some, but not if you are surrounded by the incredible family and friends that I have. As family gathered to celebrate, I started to have signs and symptoms of a miscarriage and we ended up at the hospital instead of the ceremony. Instead of walking the stage, I was given a different gift:

I watched a baby's heart beat within me for the first time. 
Hope had been conceived.

 The next couple weeks we hung onto hope. Each appointment with a flickering heart made my hope grow stronger.

We lost Hope the end of May.

May, June and July were hum-dinger months for Little Man. We got our senses up and going! Tubes were put in the ears, glasses were prescribed and he got his undescended testes brought down! Then to really end the summer with a bang, we had a couple of health scares. Including a rushed ER trip with the car flashers on and me, embarrassingly, hanging my head out the window, flailing my arms screaming for people to get out of our way. Because acting like a maniac in tense situations helps. 
Kidney function concerns, frustrating MRI's, and a couple blood tests later we confirmed Little Man is healthy, happy and thriving. He just had a terrible kidney infection. Once we found the right antibiotic, he healed right up. 
He is tenacious and brave. 

We finally made it to Midland in August. A trip to Mimi and Papa Jack's house after a hectic summer was just what the doctor ordered.

Catching up with old friends. I still can't believe we are old enough to have kids. 

Fall brought pumpkins and teeth.  Little Man loves words that start with d and p and laughs hysterically at them. He brings such joy. He is a gift in so many ways and our lives are way better indeed. He also got a mouthful of teeth; it seems like overnight. We woke up one morning to a cute-giant-toothy grin! 

Fall also brought us an attempt at IUI.  The D's made it a family affair. We even awkwardly met up with Crazy Uncle C in the hospital lobby. 

All of us in the exam room right before the procedure.

 How funny would it have been to say Little Man was there for his brother/sister's conception? 
To be honest, I never really thought it was going to work, I just felt like I needed to try it so I wouldn't regret not having tried it later. Surprisingly, this failed attempt did not rock me the way I feared it might. It might also be because right after the Big-Fat-Negative-news we entered Winter.

Winter brought such a season of gratefulness. Thanksgiving 2013 was spent eating crackers on an orphanage couch with Little Man. To have him in our home, in our arms, crawling around, babbling up a storm this year was overwhelming. 

Thanksgiving 2013 vs. Thanksgiving 2014

Basically, everyday I had a "this time last year" moment that would almost move me to tears. Instagram followers were probably annoyed with all my #tbt cheesy posts. I couldn't stop myself. I was stuck in a sentimental cloud for most of November.
 We are a family. And on Dec 13, we celebrated with our friends and family that we are indeed "Forever a Family." 

His RISE teacher made it to the Forever a Family celebration.

Once again, we move into another year without the "gift" of pregnancy. There were a couple days of lost hope in 2014.  Literally and metaphorically. Our hope was due in December and due dates can be daunting with miscarriages. But Christmas came and reminded me Hope did come to the world. Our long awaited HOPE is already here.

At an Ellie Holcomb concert I was reminded: Hope is Alive

Thankful for Grace. During the last couple of years, there have been people in my life who have stepped up to the call. They provided resource, encouragement and friendship in astounding ways.  I move into the new year asking God to stir my soul, to make every bitter thing sweet as I hunger for him, and to open my eyes to how I can now be an encouragement those around me. 

We enter another year asking God to redeem our loss. And if you have read much on my blog, you know he does time and time again. 
2015 and Martin McFly, Here we come!

He is walking hand-assisted.  In 2015, we are definitely gonna be strolling or hover-boarding, either would be pretty cool.

Mornings with Little Man

Effortlessly cool while mom tries too hard. 

Many changes happen when you become a parent. Dinner, going to the store, getting ready for bed, these activities take on new shapes and routines. My morning routine is wonky. I still haven't worked out all the kinks.

Pre-Little Man Morning:

Jump up at first alarm - I hate snooze

Run if there's time,

Start the coffee

Shower

Blow dry hair

Sip coffee while putting on make up

Take a moment to check mail, FB, instagram

Get dressed- probably change outfits once or twice

Prepare my over-priced flaxseed whole-grain waffle with almond butter

Load car,

Listen to NPR and feel smart and up-to-date while driving to work 

Get to work 10-15 mins early.

Simple. No fuss. No rush.

Little Man Morning:

Hear Little Man get up at 4:30,

Pretend that I don't hear him yet and try to sleep another 30 mins praying he too falls back asleep

I am desperate for a snooze button now

Hear Little Man getting even louder

5:15 find him sitting up in crib looking at me sooooo sweet

Change the fullest diaper ever- this kid can pee - A LOT.

Take the sheets off the crib and put in wash- he peed through the diaper

Make him a scrambled egg and extra-fatty-dietitian-ordered smoothie

A mix of feeding and very supervised self-feeding goes on at this point

Attempt to start a pot of coffee

Make his lunch. which stresses me out every day. I am so worried about not sending him enough or sending him something he will choke on

Clean him up - somehow there is egg in his hair and his diaper

Set him in front of Baby Einstein where I now have exactly 20 mins to get myself ready

Shower or rewet my hair

Pretend my hair is curly and try to scrunch it with assortment of miracle curl-making gels

Swipe some eyeliner and mascara on

Throw on first outfit I find in closet

Load car with lunch pail, back pack and undrank coffee

Dress him while he attempts to eat my hair

Help him hold the bottle of almond milk he is trying to guzzle down

Load car

On the road by 7:20 or traffic will win the war its rage against me

Put on Toddler Radio or Page CXVI lullabies (Don't even mention the phrase "Science Friday" to me right now, I miss Ira like I miss a dear friend)

Get stuck behind stalled vehicle

Sing Wheels on the Bus for 45 mins. He really like it when the people go Up and Down. 

Get to school and attempt to put shoes and glasses back on that were taken off and thrown during the drive causing a scene in the parking lot.

Disheveled, slobber in hair and snot on sleeves we enter the doors of  Rise School

These changes while sometimes frustrating can also be the BEST part of my day.  Little Man is a morning person. He greets me with the absolutely cutest grin and cuddles in between ripping the glasses of my face. When we sing together he reaches for my hands to bring them to his cheeks, excited that I am there and singing his favorite songs. And we all know how I feel about two piece pajamas…..

Why did I wait so long to get up and hang with him? 

These moments are so temporary. Soon I will be handing him a sippy cup and telling him to eat breakfast by himself, longing for the days where he needed me to help him more but proud of his growing independence. One of my friends wrote a birthday blog for her precious boy who turned one last week. One sentence stuck out as she tried to encourage other moms of children with special needs:

"….you will get to enjoy your baby a little longer. And when they do hit those milestones you will celebrate like you won the lottery."

In our case, enjoying our "baby"even longer has brought me such joy as we missed the first 8 months of his life. Each milestone that I get to be there with him for has been like winning the lottery. Soon…. he will be two. Our frustrations, challenges and morning routines will look different.  Hidden in those challenges and routines will be the best moments a mom could ask for if I take the time to be fully present for them.  As we enter the season of "1-year ago today" moments….. I know I will be bombarded with the memories of getting his referral picture, getting the call with travel dates, first meeting, first time he feel asleep in my arms, first smile, etc. In one year my world has changed so much. Overwhelmingly wonderfully different. What will our life look like next year?

Have I mentioned he is the CUTEST BABY IN THE WORLD? 

This is our new "kisses" face. He is puckering up his lips asking for a kiss.  I mean…. you cannot withhold smooches from that face!!!

He fell asleep in the store-brand diaper. This is no good. NO GOOD. This definitely means a change of sheets in the morning. AHHHH but that little boy is one precious sleeper.

Chew on this: Meet the cutest eater ever

Eating/Drinking has been quite the adventure for us. But even if he hasn't always done it well- he has alway done it oh-so-cute!

Feeding in U was so scary. He only got 1/3 of each feeding and was struggling with aspiration.

Many international calls to our on call Speech Path Aunt Courtney for help.

He is a champ at pureed food. And now he can even sign "more".

At around 14 months we finally got down the pincher grasp and starting picking up bites of food ourselves. We are slowly upgrading and are now chomping on bananas, itty bitty bits of chicken, yogurt melts, pasta bits and puffs. Strangely he loves plain Quinoa. I know this list is only going to get bigger and bigger.

 We still have not been able to figure out the sippy cup. The honey bear makes an appearance at every meal and we make some grand attempts which usually results in him spitting water everywhere.

Spoons are also an excellent teether. 

Either side does the trick.

He chews cute my friends. Old man face is one of my favorites.

Showing off how well he eats broccoli. Veggies are better than fruits to this guy. Still having to puree quite a bit but I have figured out some easy go to meals to help save time and money. Those food pouches are awesome but that add up with your kid is downing 12-16 oz each meal. The fridge is overflowing with steam-ready bags of frozen vegetables. Microwave those bad boys and toss in the magic bullet = instant meal. Then add quinoa as a side is; heaven to Little Man. He might be a vegetarian. I keep asking him about it but he has yet to give me answer for now. He probably just doesn't like labels you know. Allowing room for him to change his mind later if he wants :).

Chomping on my pizza crust at dinner. He would not let me take it out of his mouth and placed a death grip on my hand.

Every week I am amazed at his milestones. He loves food. Is crazy about it. OBSESSED. 

Fire truck PJ's

I am oficially obsessed. We graduated from the footsie-PJ's and into the big boy 2 piece sets. Every time he puts this pair on I just get tickled. HE IS SO CUTE ------>

I know, Right? CUTEST BABY IN THE WORLD. Love me some Fire Truck PJ's. 

How the D's do senses

Hearing-

When we first got home, new mama bear rushed quickly to get Little Man into every type of doctor/medical appointment possible. Let's get the party started.

We saw audiology after only being home 3 weeks. Little Man and I sat in a chair in the middle of a little room with black speaker boxes scattered across the wall and in the corners. Then the audiologist sitting outside the room used the microphone to play her voice at  certain tones or volumes through one of the speakers and evaluate the response. Will he look in the direction of the box the sound is coming from?  Little Man looks anywhere but the speakers. He mainly just stared at his hand the whole time. We stepped out of the sound room to receive the verdict that we have moderate to severe hearing loss. 

Really? 

At that point, he had only been out of an orphanage for 3 weeks where I am sure he had learned to tune out distractions. Noise and sound was not relevant to him there. It had no meaning. So when he doesn't turn to look where a sound comes from, can we know for sure he is not actually hearing it,  or does he just simply not care?

Congestion is a theme in this house. Each morning is greeted with thick snot and a junky cough until it has an hour to drain out.  I was not surprised when the tympanometry readings of Little Man's ears showed this little guy is full of fluid. Yeah, it pours out all over me every morning!

Last week we repeated our audiology appointment, now 5 months home. He still didn't look at very many of those speaker boxes. HMMMMMMM……...

Time for Eustachian Tubes.

Vision-

About 2 months ago, we started noticed that Little Man's eyes would cross several times a day. Ok to be honest, My mom vision never saw it. I just see cuteness every time I look at his face!  Walking into his one year well-child check up the first question I got-

 "How long has he been going cross eyed?"

 And now that I am aware of it I see it quite I bit. It has gotten worse. Our first opthamologist appointment (remember how I was over zealous mama bear?) was the first month home and we were told everything looked great. In fact, we were even told not to come back until pre-K or Kindergarten for another check up. However, that is not consistent with the recommended screening for children with DS, but who I am to argue with a TCH ophthalmologist. 

This time we went to the same ophthalmologist our pediatrician (who we simply adore by the way) uses for her daughter and got much different results. 

Time for Glasses.

We are on the road to enhancing our senses!  

Any recommendation of brands for glasses for a 14 month old? One who is trying to learn to crawl and likes to face plant frequently?

What do you guys think of Miraflex or Specs4Us?

Hubs likes how Miraflex looks better, but I have heard that they sit too close to the eyes. 

Specs4Us

I guess he is not a fan.

He was over the whole "enhance the senses" movement at this point. I did not even try to do a MiraFlex photoshoot. We will try again this weekend.

How the D's do ONE

He celebrated his first year surrounded by a family that is absolutely smitten with him. 

 He brings JOY to our life every day. 

Did I mention that the cake was egg and butter free? 

The egg was on purpose - I haven't introduced eggs in his diet yet and did not think first bday party was the right time to discover if he had an allergy. Googled up some suggestions and threw in a little applesauce and a mashed banana instead.

THE BUTTER HOWEVER-

Once everyone had arrived, my social anxiety kicked in and needing a boost, I opened the microwave to warm up some leftover morning coffee. SURPRISE, there was the butter I had put in the microwave to soften while making the cake. 

Cousin Austin coming in for a quick smash cake pep talk and strategy planning conversation.

First Contact initiated.

I guess Little Man is a health nut because he seemed to approve of the SANS butter and egg cake.

The Journey to Destination BEST

As I write this, a snotty little guy lies in the pack n play next to our bed heavily breathing, deep inside an unawakenable slumber. (When this guy is ready to sleep - he is out for the count). I keep looking over every couple minutes in disbelief.

That is my kid.

Our responsibility.

I have a son.

The depth and reality of this sometimes is overlooked between the feedings, the poopy diapers (or more often- the fret over lack of said poopy diapers), the laundry, family, friends, Christmas. 

I cannot compare this to anything else. I do not know what it is like to come home from the hospital with a fresh wrinkly newborn or hear that first cry as a baby is placed upon the exhausted laboring mother's chest and still I watch as his chest moves rhythmically up and down in a deep peaceful sleep filled with surprising assurance and confidence that we belong together.

And I feel like I have labored, like I pushed for hours.  Then with an exhausted cry, sweaty brow and a nauseated husband; walked out of the airport and collapsed into my families arms as they greeted our  child into a new world. 

I once heard a sermon by David Platt where he expressed that he kept thinking adoption as a second best option. Even during his families journey to bring home their son. While excited,  it was at most -second best. Until they were home. 

Then it became BEST.

Either way. You end up arriving at the best.

I no longer go to gender reveal parties or see baby bumps and ache that my journey did not take me through that path.  Instead, I see them and rejoice for those moments for sweet friends and pridefully ponder the uniqueness and beauty of my own Little Man's story. Pretending all the grief and insecurity of infertility magically slipped away as the plane taxied into our home gate would be a lie. But just as they have experienced a precious joy that I might never personally encounter, I have been blessed to go on a journey that they might never walk through either. 

Either way. 

He is our OWN son. Because that is what adoption is. Where he did not own before, he owns now. He did not have a single thing to bring with him or any visitor to say goodbye to when we walked out of that orphanage. For 7 months nothing belonged to him.  He might not carry our genetic makeup (but can we just say that his biological parents sure did pass on some major cuteness) yet he carries every inch of our heart and soul. 

The intimate exchange of souls where the definition of BELONGING takes root. 

We belong to him. He belongs to us. We are each other's owns.  

AND DID I MENTION? IT'S THE BEST.

Shameless Selfie while waiting for Hubs outside the SS office! 

One month

The long anticipated one month home post.

And I DO NOT want to do it.

Not because I am not completely smitten with most definitely the cutest baby IN THE WORLD. Because I am.
Not because we are not getting into routine and learning to live life as a family of three.
Because we sort-of are.
Not because Little Man is not growing leaps and bounds and learning new milestones daily.
Because he is.

But rather because of pride. Silly Pride. We celebrated one-month-home in the hospital battling the notorious winter villain- RSV.

Pridefully, I wanted to show you a happy healthy family. To display how adoption changes lives.
Ohh prideful heart. It whispers- "you failed" and taunts me with an absurd "is this really better?"

YES. YES. WAY BETTER.

For ALL of us.

When we met Little Man, we were pretty sure he was deaf. No exaggeration here. We left the orphanage after our first long visit and started talking about what this means for us as a family. For the next week we would clap loudly, snap everywhere, make sudden noises and wait for his response. Nothing.  We were so certain of our "diagnosis" that we even got excited about the idea of our family being able to communicate with sign language during awkward moments, in elevators, at church or across the room. Little Man did not respond to sound throughout our visits in the Ukraine. In a short 7 months, he had learned to tune the world out.

Now he startles when I drop a pan in the kitchen. He notices when his cousin begins to cry in the next room. He turns around to see who is clapping and causing a racket. He is learning to babble, grunt, laugh and ohhhhhhh yeah, he is learning to cry and express his frustrations.  Which I am having to keep reminding myself is BEAUTIFUL. (hmmmm at 3 am someone might need to remind me of that)

He is becoming an attention hog- and he deserves to be one!

It is not better because of what I am doing. Or what Hubs is doing. Or Mimi. Or Gramm.
I am making more than my share of rookie mistakes. I would tattoo "New Mom" on my head but I am pretty sure it is already there by the stares I get while trying to figure out to get my son in the carseat and unload my basket of groceries in the parking lot.
 It is better because we are together.  God brought us together to work this life out as a family. And this, my friends, is way better than working it out solo.

No contest- I am now mom of the CUTEST BABY IN THE WORLD.  I love telling every person I met that. Every nurse, doctor, respiratory therapist and social worker had to agree with me because, as you can see below, how could they not? :) How blessed am I?

And unlike the 2 months he spent in the hospital right before he met us, this time he was not alone. Not for one second. 

Take that RSV.

Take that Pride.

THIS IS BETTER.  

One month!