2014 in review

2014 flew right on by and we are now entering "the year of the hover-board".
I like to spend a little bit of time at the end of the year in reflection. The first time I did this was here, for 2012, helping me create and seal some precious moments in that I would otherwise be unable to recover years from now. So let's look back at some of the biggest moments of 2014.

2014

A year of Hope, Hope Lost, Gratitude, and Grace.

January was our first full month home with Little Man. Quite a chunk of that time was spent battling RSV at Texas Children's. We were thrown head first into parenting. It challenged me to let go of expectations and control. I made the decision right there to not take for granted one second of the new gig I have been given. No matter what. 

In February, we started at The Rise School of Houston. 

Game Changer. 

The teachers and therapists at this school are one of a kind, helping Little Man reach his potential. He loves it, I love it and they, of course, love him. 

We spent Easter weekend in Boston visiting Aunt Courtney, Crazy Uncle C and sweet Cousin Abigail.    

The Ducks were wearing Ukraine and DS awareness colored scarves. They must have heard we were coming to Boston.

Best Friends in the making!

Spring came and brought with us Little Man's first birthday. 

What many did not know, is it also brought us another pregnancy. As Little Man blew out his candles (Ok, you caught me, really we blew them out), I had sweat beads of morning sickness nausea dripping down my neck. The flame flickered out and I pictured us doing this again at his birthday next year, with a baby in our arms. We were the cliche - we were that story that always gets told to adopting couples - we got pregnant right after an adoption!

In the summer, I graduated as a Family Nurse Practitioner and some how passed boards. Grace! An adoption and grad school might be tricky for some, but not if you are surrounded by the incredible family and friends that I have. As family gathered to celebrate, I started to have signs and symptoms of a miscarriage and we ended up at the hospital instead of the ceremony. Instead of walking the stage, I was given a different gift:

I watched a baby's heart beat within me for the first time. 
Hope had been conceived.

 The next couple weeks we hung onto hope. Each appointment with a flickering heart made my hope grow stronger.

We lost Hope the end of May.

May, June and July were hum-dinger months for Little Man. We got our senses up and going! Tubes were put in the ears, glasses were prescribed and he got his undescended testes brought down! Then to really end the summer with a bang, we had a couple of health scares. Including a rushed ER trip with the car flashers on and me, embarrassingly, hanging my head out the window, flailing my arms screaming for people to get out of our way. Because acting like a maniac in tense situations helps. 
Kidney function concerns, frustrating MRI's, and a couple blood tests later we confirmed Little Man is healthy, happy and thriving. He just had a terrible kidney infection. Once we found the right antibiotic, he healed right up. 
He is tenacious and brave. 

We finally made it to Midland in August. A trip to Mimi and Papa Jack's house after a hectic summer was just what the doctor ordered.

Catching up with old friends. I still can't believe we are old enough to have kids. 

Fall brought pumpkins and teeth.  Little Man loves words that start with d and p and laughs hysterically at them. He brings such joy. He is a gift in so many ways and our lives are way better indeed. He also got a mouthful of teeth; it seems like overnight. We woke up one morning to a cute-giant-toothy grin! 

Fall also brought us an attempt at IUI.  The D's made it a family affair. We even awkwardly met up with Crazy Uncle C in the hospital lobby. 

All of us in the exam room right before the procedure.

 How funny would it have been to say Little Man was there for his brother/sister's conception? 
To be honest, I never really thought it was going to work, I just felt like I needed to try it so I wouldn't regret not having tried it later. Surprisingly, this failed attempt did not rock me the way I feared it might. It might also be because right after the Big-Fat-Negative-news we entered Winter.

Winter brought such a season of gratefulness. Thanksgiving 2013 was spent eating crackers on an orphanage couch with Little Man. To have him in our home, in our arms, crawling around, babbling up a storm this year was overwhelming. 

Thanksgiving 2013 vs. Thanksgiving 2014

Basically, everyday I had a "this time last year" moment that would almost move me to tears. Instagram followers were probably annoyed with all my #tbt cheesy posts. I couldn't stop myself. I was stuck in a sentimental cloud for most of November.
 We are a family. And on Dec 13, we celebrated with our friends and family that we are indeed "Forever a Family." 

His RISE teacher made it to the Forever a Family celebration.

Once again, we move into another year without the "gift" of pregnancy. There were a couple days of lost hope in 2014.  Literally and metaphorically. Our hope was due in December and due dates can be daunting with miscarriages. But Christmas came and reminded me Hope did come to the world. Our long awaited HOPE is already here.

At an Ellie Holcomb concert I was reminded: Hope is Alive

Thankful for Grace. During the last couple of years, there have been people in my life who have stepped up to the call. They provided resource, encouragement and friendship in astounding ways.  I move into the new year asking God to stir my soul, to make every bitter thing sweet as I hunger for him, and to open my eyes to how I can now be an encouragement those around me. 

We enter another year asking God to redeem our loss. And if you have read much on my blog, you know he does time and time again. 
2015 and Martin McFly, Here we come!

He is walking hand-assisted.  In 2015, we are definitely gonna be strolling or hover-boarding, either would be pretty cool.

How the D's do infertile - Part 2

What to do with infertility?

Where is "How the D's do infertile Part 1?" you ask. Come on guys- you know this story- we ended up in the Ukraine!! 

I meet with my doctor next week to reconsider our options. I am very unsure about what to do next. I am very nervous about getting pregnant again. I want it but then I don't.  During this last pregnancy, I think we all felt there was no way we would lose another, not to mention it was just cliche to get pregnant right after an adoption. :) Right?!? When I think about how it all played out…….

All said positive. Fear can make you feel not so positive about it though.

Fear creeps in.

What if it happens again? 

Can I handle it?

But what is next for the D's? What to do with infertility?

When we finally (it sure is embarrassing how long it took) asked God what we should do about it last year we were given a clear answer to adopt. Now I am waiting for another answer. 

It is so simple to try and label infertility as bad. Cause it SUCKS. While reading "Anything" by Jennie Allen, I came across a story of a young lady who has been given more the her fair share of what the world would label bad (abandonment, disappointments, abuse, etc) and her response:

"You have to thank God for the seemingly good and the seemingly bad because really, you don't know the difference."

I can relate to that. While this now 4 year journey has left me with many days and nights of tears and confusion it also has brought me incredible moments of truth and clarity. Truth about God's love for the Hubs and I. Truth about His Glory. Truth that is seen in little man every day. I don't know if Infertility is good but I have seen how God can redeem it to be good. 

Can I trust God with my infertility?

I am trying. 

Please prayer for our family as we once again hand over this issue and pray God uses it to bring Him glory. Who knows where the D family will end up this time?!?! 

Truth moment #1029: First family photo in the Ukraine.
Struggling with identity and worth…. {BUT THEN GOD}….. Now calm in His calling and love.

The chapter: Recurring Loss

Blogging about infertility can mean, from time to time, the less jovial post.

This last month we drifted out of the waters of infertility and into the vast ocean of recurring loss.

Infertility can keep you wearingly treading to keep your chin above the waters of insecurity.

 Recurring Loss simply drowns you in grief. 

Infertility is struggle to get pregnant, recurring loss is the struggle to stay pregnant.

Many ask if it hurts less with a child at home or does it hurt less with each time. (These are legitimate questions- I like and understand why you ask- always ask rather than assume).

After hearing the news of the loss, I got to go home a see a family that remains precious AS IS. Any further additions will be welcomed with joy and praise and still my heart is currently complete with my spectacular family of three. I am so overwhelmed with thankfulness for Little Man that I do not as quickly feel forgotten my God as I did times before. He brought together a beautiful family. He redeemed my broken body by using it to guide us on a journey to meet the most incredible little boy- and in his grace I got to take this little boy home and call him MINE. This journey led my Hubs and I to place our worth and identity in God alone. A lesson difficult but amazing to learn. That said……..

"Does it hurt less with little man home?"

I smile a little and lie a little. The real answer seems too harsh to say out loud.

"Yeah, it hurts less."

But the truth is…..

One day there is a heart beating inside you. The next day that life is gone.

One day hope pulsates within of you. The next day that hope is gone.

Not a lot makes that hurt less, maybe just hurts differently.

For those who keep trying to conceive (Or have conceived) after recurring loss, what are ways you stay encouraged to keep trying? What resources, books, songs or scriptures keep you uplifted?

Would you consider sharing your story as a resource for those just starting this new chapter of our story?

what should we call it

Infertility
I googled a synonym for it and  the other options are worse. Trust me on this.... don't do it. So what do we call it.
I almost put a question mark at the end of that word. I simply do not think it fits. By medical definition, it just might. After two years, this word is started to creepity creep its way into my mind but somewhere along the way I have adopted an attitude that this label is not me/us.
"I am young. I've got time. I'm in grad school still. The timing actually might not have worked out right anyway. Some people have struggled even longer."
While the above statements are indeed truth. The underlying secret is for about one week EVERY month for TWO years I get excited that I might be pregnant. (of course, this excludes the months I was actually pregnant). When will a girl learn this is not a good idea?
This can make anyone start to tiptoe the line of insanity.
So what should we call this...........Process.
I have never blogged about this before. But after such positive feedback (hey thanks for that) from the last post I decided to brave forward.
I don't think I am there yet. Don't mistake my optimism for fraud. I still cried yesterday on our "Not this Month" date night of sushi, mango mojitos, and coffee; but I feel in my gut that there is a plan for the hubs and I. The day after the day I realize I'm not pregnant God fills me with renewed energy and excitement about the days ahead.  And while my mom and mom-in-law will hate this statement, the energy is not from the faith that I will get pregnant. I do not feel God has promised me that. It lies in this idea that if I never get pregnant; I can still be/do incredible things for the kingdom. Maybe even more than if I get pregnant.....
Which is why I will not call it infertility. Because I know my life will never be: unfruitful, unproductive, sterile, barren, or exhausted.  Jesus whispers something else to me the morning after:
I have come that they may have life,and have it to the full.

To the mamas

To the mama's:
http://www.incourage.me/2012/05/what-we-wish-we-could-tell-you-mamas.html



To my mama:
You are loved!  All I wanted to do all day was give you a big hug and make sure you know this.