Designed

Photo credit: Elizabeth of Oak+Oats

Writing a guest blog for a woman who I consider to be nailing it when it comes to being a woman who can do it all (which she herself admits, she does not and we do not have to do it all- be it all, she just wants to encourage us to do what we do overflowing with passion and love) surprisingly brought up some shoved away insecurities.  I guest blog from time to time for random internet blog buddies and write occasionally over at adoption.com but a post for Life-As-She-Does-It felt daunting. And then she had to go and get the witty Katy Livingston to go first, leaving me the follow up post. I stand little chance. It’s like signing up for a meal train to bring my store-bought chicken or grilled cheese sandwiches the night after your foodie friend has listed she is making lambs with chimi-churi sauce and homemade buttered-pecan ice-cream. The "look-ahead" is a real technique to make sure you are not setting up your people for disappointment. Now here I offer you my boxed mac n’cheese with added hotdogs weenies, after you just ate homemade beef bourguignon.  Go ahead a lower your expectations my people. 

Continue reading my guest post over at LifeAsSheDoesIt and then stick around that site and discover all the great things it has happening!

Walk Freely

Sometimes it confuses me, you know. There is this fine line I try to tiptoe along, arms stretched out from my side, wobbling back and forth. When I finally start to feel my footing secure, confident in who I am, who God calls me to be and what God is doing through me; suddenly I lean back the other way, squirming unbalanced between worried I am arrogant, then almost falling off altogether by the weight of disbelief in myself. (Which really is a disbelief in something/someone bigger, right?)

My struggle with insecurity and self-esteem is no secret.
Amazing Grace. It is true it is amazing. The whole point is that we didn't deserve it, we didn't earn it, God gave it.  This is the truth BUT that is not the end of the story.

HE CHOSE YOU. He believes in you enough to send his Holy Spirit to live inside of you. He calls you his daughter.

He believes in you. You were created to be you. When we come into the kingdom (or insert whatever over-used christian culture cliche here you prefer) He doesn't say: Well thats good cuz you were junk before….
HE says HALLELUJAH!  I created her. I loved her before. I love her still.  I love her always.

He made you unique. With such purpose. WITH SUCH LOVE.

I think sometimes
sometimes
We dwell in this realm of broken. We get stuck at the "we are all sinners" camp site and set up camp making us some burnt marshmallows wishing we could do more. Giving cynical judgmental stares at the women and men out doing "BIG" things. We linger around acting like we don't deserve more. We forget to move forward to rest in the peace that He thinks we do.

Grace. We don't deserve it. We cannot earn it. This is suppose to be liberating. It is for FREEDOM that Christ set us free. Not to feel in chained by grace or darkness. By a before or the after.  When the after is not all rainbows and unicorns we tend to question the authenticity of our encounter that brought us out of the before.

Grace is not a one time event. It cannot be confined or defined in before and after parameters. This kind of love, this remarkable grace, cannot be contained.
It sets us FREE.

Oh to embrace the freedom of grace. We are free to be the unique and wonderful daughters of the KING.

Not arrogantly, but confidently walking. Walking through our stories. My story includes a journey of faith.  Some days I still struggle with this walk. With my story. With my faith.
Yet I am set free. I am free to be me in the fullest way. He chose me. He loves me.
Balanced.
He steadies my tittering as I walk along. He reminds me I need not stretch out my arms side to side- an inefficacious reach to steady myself. I can stretch my arms high, waving in praise and redemption. Confident to walk freely in who He made me and in what He calls me to.

He loves you AS IS. That's not arrogant. Because THAT IS FOR EVERYONE! That is for YOU!


(Shout out to my son who is reminding me about being loved AS IS daily. Woot Woot Little Man)

Why the debates regarding the ethics of adoption scare me?

During the adoption process (and before), I came face to face with the a hot debate that is quite controversial and rather charged on social media. 

Dom dom dom:

THE ETHICS OF ADOPTION.

I am an exceptional devil's advocate on practically any subject. I grew up not really questioning what was taught to me or what I was told to believe and as I came into adulthood I found myself, in rebellion, questioning everything. I argue everything back and forth in my head.  You start talking to me about a side, for some reason, my first reaction is to start spouting out defenses of the other. You switch it up on me, confusingly, I start reasoning the other way.  I want to know both sides. This is a double edge sword. I stabbed myself on multiple occasions playing with this sword in this particular debate. 

In the early 2000's there seemed to be what some would call a huge "christian movement" to adopt internationally and "save orphans". But the result of this surge created space for some questionable ethics and practices. ERK. Adoption is so not the way to "grow the church".  We heard about the little girl in Guatemala kidnapped, sold to an orphanage, and then adopted internationally. That must have been devastating on both families.  Then we get updates regarding  horrible stories of mothers in Ethiopia paid to give over their babies due to the demand of sweet little African baby girls by caucasian American families. And the stories of abuse, they definitely make the headlines. I cannot tell you how many people told me about the mother who sent her newly adopted child back to Russia. Alone. On the plane. Heartbreaking.

I think it is great that critique from these stories brought up some much needed concerns for reform. They made us step back and check our motives.  Hearing the word industry in the same sentence as adoption  just sounds weird right? I am right there with you. Something smells fishy. I do believe there is cause to pause…… But pause my friends……... NOT STOP.

Sometimes yucky people adopt and sometimes good people adopt and the process was yucky. YUCK! 

Such stories also stirred up a new movement. A "preserve the family" movement as I call it.

Well of course hearing nauseating stories as these make us apprehensive or angry - THOSE STORIES SUCK!

I hate them too.

But here is what I also hate:

That when we started adopting, I had to change the comments sections of my blog to be moderated because of the hateful responses I kept receiving. Not comments wanting to discuss concerns or raise awareness. But comments such as: "I give it a year before your baby is dead" or "Counting down the days till I read about how you abuse your child in the news".

OUCH! Really? How does that help advocate either side?

I fear, that to often, this social media draw to pounce on the movement of adoption, accidentally results in a new generation now afraid to be involved in orphan care at all. I myself spent several nights crying, reading about this debate and questioning our calling. (OMG- looking at Little Man CRAWLING across the floor right now as I type reminds me how glad I am that those doubts did not win.)

I am scared that we now have at our hands the perfect excuse: 

"I believe in the preservation of families."

We are not necessarily aware that we are hanging on to this phrase as a cop out  but we quickly judge those who have/do adopt and yet we do very little in regards to that statement we shout  adamantly towards them. 

Adoption is not saving children, but it is simply parenting the best you can someone, whom without you, would not be in a family. And here is where I will get kick back for sure:

Sometimes adopting is better than preserving the family.

Or maybe we can say it like this:

God can use adoption to redeem the disruption of family.

Yes, there is grief and loss. I am not down playing it. To a scared/angry kid confused about their past, he might say he does not believe in adoption. He might say he would have wanted to stay with his birth mother.  These feelings are valid. It is hard. There are gray areas. Your child will have a missing link to their history. I cannot imagine the damage to identity this might do.  It is our role to raise them to know and believe this DOES NOT DEFINE THEM. I will not try to act like I can pretend to understand what this feels like, I am not adopted. Can we start a discussion on how to help our children write their story rather than simply posting on Facebook that adoption isn't ethical because there is loss and confusion involved? Help them find their identity, to know their WORTH. Not as children we saved, but as children we unconditionally love.

AND let's just be frank. My child was one of 65000 disabled children living in an institution (this does not mean those are all orphans though).  He weighed 11 lbs, could not hold up his head and was in and out of the hospital with aspiration pneumonia. Now his life expectancy is 60 and he spends all day (expect if I can get him to take a 2 hour nap) experiencing life outside a crib. His parents were wrongly and unfairly told he would do better in an orphanage by their doctor. THAT SUCKS.  But I also know parents in the United States who were heard these same lies from their physicians 30 years ago and CHOSE to preserve their family ANYWAY.  Little Man's biological parents made the choice not to and in some ways, I have to respect that decision. Maybe they made it for reasons beyond the DS. Maybe it was a prayed over decision. I will never know. They terminated their rights and signed their 3 lb baby over to police custody while he was intubated in the NICU.  I believe there needs to be great reform and education in his previous country to counteract stigma and lack of education to help ensure these decisions are made not based on those fallacies.  If education and resources are available to them maybe we, in good faith, can respect the decision made to place a child for adoption the same way would respect the educated decision to place a child in adoption by a pregnant woman in the United Staes.  I want to support amazing people like those at WIDE-AWAKE or Mission to Ukraine who are trying to educate and advocate for resources and system changes in hopes of preserving the family there. BUT MEANWHILE….. there was Little Man…..alone in a crib all day with NO family. MEANWHILE…. two precious 5 year olds sat alone in strollers all day until an incredible young couple said yes to adoption. I am not saying this as a kudos to us.  Just a little perspective. By God's grace we have started a journey that does indeed make his life better. Is that wrong, egotistical, prideful to say that his life is better? Maybe. Does it help if I mention he makes my life WAY better too?

The adoption movement is not the same movement as before.

In 2004, there were 22991 international adoptions in the US. In 2013 there were 7092.  So I would say the word is out: We need to check our motives. We need to check our practices. We need to educate ourselves. But we also need to quite scaring everyone away. 

I say these things to myself as much as to anyone else plus I am not an expert on the subject. These are simply rantings of an adoptive mama. 

I believe we can allow these concerns to give pause………. for a moment. We can reflect, grow, maybe reform where necessary……. 

Don't run away!

We are truly called to care for WIDOWS and ORPHANS. 

Don't stop because a flawed human world got involved in the system. The same way I have to remind myself not to completely run away from the church because is full of imperfect humans, and we are really good at messing things up. Abuse found in adopted families does not equate that adoption is unethical. There are so many holes in that argument. We can absolutely step up as a church to reach out to victims of this abuse. Let them tell their stories. Give them respite. Give them a voice.  Educate pre-adoptive families on stresses in adoption. There are bad people who adopt and do bad things; this does not lead to the reasoning that adoption is bad. 

Don't stop because you believe in preserving families. But instead of belittling a friend at church in the middle of an Ethiopian adoption -which you just read on Facebook is super unethical and now you are an expert about - investigate how you can put action to your words. You want to preserve families? Let's do it. I am totally on board and love that you have a passion for this. What an amazing calling?!?  You don't necessarily have to go reform the system (although that would be neat). Get involved with pregnancy crisis centers. (Heads up- some mother's still come to the difficult but well thought about and intensely prayed about decision of adoption. And it might be the RIGHT decision for them. Don't make them feel otherwise because of your need to preserve a family.) Enroll to learn more about Foster Care with an agency focused on reconciliation if possible. Help throw a baby shower for prego local women who might not have all the resources for a new baby. OHHH I would love that instead of hateful comments to moderate once I post this blog, I got comments/responses sharing other great ways to be involved in widow and orphan care BESIDES adoption. Let's spit ball some ideas to help get people involved; not scare away those interested in orphan care with this heavy debate.

And for those of us who are adopting/adopted. Can you share some grace? We are trying to preserve families in our own way. An orphanage is NOT A FAMILY. I am preserving a family for Little Man, we are his family. 

The chapter: Recurring Loss

Blogging about infertility can mean, from time to time, the less jovial post.

This last month we drifted out of the waters of infertility and into the vast ocean of recurring loss.

Infertility can keep you wearingly treading to keep your chin above the waters of insecurity.

 Recurring Loss simply drowns you in grief. 

Infertility is struggle to get pregnant, recurring loss is the struggle to stay pregnant.

Many ask if it hurts less with a child at home or does it hurt less with each time. (These are legitimate questions- I like and understand why you ask- always ask rather than assume).

After hearing the news of the loss, I got to go home a see a family that remains precious AS IS. Any further additions will be welcomed with joy and praise and still my heart is currently complete with my spectacular family of three. I am so overwhelmed with thankfulness for Little Man that I do not as quickly feel forgotten my God as I did times before. He brought together a beautiful family. He redeemed my broken body by using it to guide us on a journey to meet the most incredible little boy- and in his grace I got to take this little boy home and call him MINE. This journey led my Hubs and I to place our worth and identity in God alone. A lesson difficult but amazing to learn. That said……..

"Does it hurt less with little man home?"

I smile a little and lie a little. The real answer seems too harsh to say out loud.

"Yeah, it hurts less."

But the truth is…..

One day there is a heart beating inside you. The next day that life is gone.

One day hope pulsates within of you. The next day that hope is gone.

Not a lot makes that hurt less, maybe just hurts differently.

For those who keep trying to conceive (Or have conceived) after recurring loss, what are ways you stay encouraged to keep trying? What resources, books, songs or scriptures keep you uplifted?

Would you consider sharing your story as a resource for those just starting this new chapter of our story?

Reclaiming April

"Dreading a due date after miscarriage."

You see, I have googled that exact sentence before.

6 months later the world, even my world, continued to spin around. It had not come to a halt like I thought it might. I had started to heal. My husband diligently worked to purge the mail and email of the reminders and updates I had signed up for to track my pregnancy.  I allowed myself days and weeks to not even consider how far along I should be, or what milestone I should be hitting.  People announcing their pregnancies no longer elicited bitterness (Sorry about that guys).  I had survived.

Then came April. With April came this dread. This was supposed to be a month of ending and a month of beginning. A highly anticipated month, 2 and half years in the making. Boxes of free samples began to showup at our door as I had eagerly enrolled in several online promotions at the start of pregnancy. Hubs was caught hiding all the formula and diaper samples in the guest room dresser.  Gerber, Pampers, Huggies, and Similac were all kind enough to send  "Congratulations on New Baby"cards.

I dreaded the end of April.  Because I knew my April was suppose to be different. As April 31 arrived, I retreated away from friends and family.  I was unfairly angry at them as they were falsely condemned  for not remembering this date (and sorry about that too).

"This was NOT MY APRIL!"  
April had come and gone.  I had been robbed.

Should Be's and Suppose To's are the curse of a miscarriage. They sneak around grabbing moments with- I "should be " finding out the sex today or I am "suppose to be" greeting my baby today. They are quick to injure as we yell out, "This is not how it is suppose to be!" And I think it ok to allow ourselves that cry. It is ok to allow yourself  a chance to re-grieve as this dooming due date approaches.

 I let the Should Be's and Suppose To's rob April from me.

Yet with the ever 20/20 hindsight, I see it differently. I was suppose to be finishing up my spring semester and talking to my husband about going part time or quitting my job soon.  I was suppose to be pouring into friends and community and growing friendships and family that would soon change my life. My heart was being prepared for thing I could not see. April was exactly what it Should Be. It was indeed MY APRIL.

Because then came May. 

In May we decided to adopt Baby D. Would I have had MY MAY without MY APRIL?
Maybe, maybe not.

Contrary to how I felt for several months, I did not deserve or give myself a miscarriage. I might always wonder how differently my life might look today and I do not always believe "it was for the best". I still struggle analyzing the suppose to's or should be's.  But I do believe that God redeemed the loss. He redeemed April and used it to bring me May.

A message delivered with a kiss

This is life to the Full.

Image via Holly Gerth 

Every morning since we made this decision I wake up EXCITED! 

I don't know if it is because I know OUR BABY is out there already or if it is because we are now answering 'yes' when God puts something on our hearts.

But like the Hubs asked, "Why can't it be both?"

Stepping out on Faith.
Family and friends have questions and concerns. I  respect that. That shows me you care and have a heart for me that you don't want to get hurt. I AM GRATEFUL. You guys have a heart that hurts when Jon and I  get hurt.
I have been called to be the heart that will hurt for this little peanut.
I AM HONORED!
Parenting hurts. It is full of risk. Any way you try to slice this apple, heartbreak is inevitable.
And then there is blessing.
Faith.
We did not make this decision thinking- "We are hopeless, we want a child, We... We.... We...."
But rather this was about one thing only:
God put it on our heart.
We inquired about some orphaned children in Eastern Europe with Down Syndrome and we wept. Literally.
And like Nehemiah we prayed that God forgive us our sins and grant us success to help be part of their story of rescue and redemption.
Also like ole Nehemiah we did not tell many people what God put on our heart (Nehemiah 2:12) while we examined the remaining walls. Not just the facts of the situation, children, or agency but more importantly the walls of our heart. We started really listening. AND THE SPIRIT KEPT TALKING. This is where I apologize if you felt left out. We had to pray and answer this calling before we made a decision to tell everyone.

There is a chance we could get burned. There is a chance I will call my mom with a broken heart during this process.And yes,this is a life long change. Let's be honest, this is also an inevitable fact of parenting. When I called my mom broken, 28 years after she brought me home as a baby, and told her I lost my baby, she hurt. She cried with me. She came up to care for me and was simply mom and I was daughter.

28 years later. She is still Mom. 

Someday this little guy might be a giant Eastern European Man. I will still be his Mom and he will be my son. How will that look? 
Faith.

I do understand the concerns and question as this was a huge "word bomb" we exploded on everyone. I hear you. I respect you. 

My Response:

1. PRAY. Examine the walls of your heart. Surrender it all over. ASK GOD to speak in your 
     heart. What is scaring you and why? How can God cover that fear with faith? 
2. Read Nehemiah. God does indeed still speak- and how did Nehemiah decide God placed
    this on his heart? How did he respond? What amazing things did he accomplish? 
3. Research Down Syndrome. We really do not know the extent of his delays but we have 
    been told that  to the best of their knowledge THE ONLY THING MEDICALLY DIFFERENT 
    ABOUT THIS  CHILD IS ONE EXTRA CHROMOSOME. What does that mean? I think you 
   will be surprised to find that it is not as scary as it looks.  
3. Encourage us. I am calling it the Double T. We are THRILLED and TERRIFIED. God has 
   already  placed some friends in my life that have uplifted me over the last week in a way that I  
   know was Spirit led.  Will you also let the Spirit use you to encourage us?
4. Be excited. You are now Grandparents. Aunts. Uncles. Life-long partners and Friends in this
    celebration of life. This is going to be AWESOME. Even during the heartbreak. Because 
   God's glory is going to be shown in this step of faith no matter what happens- and it is 
   HUMBLING and EXCITING that we get to be a part of that.

And then, when you are ready, pray for this child. He needs someone to pick him up NOW and when he cries at night he needs someone to cuddle. Join me in praying God send a person to be his designated cuddler until I can take over that role. Pray for us, that God shapes my heart into a heart of a mother. That God guides Hubs in all these decisions and gives him wisdom and patience at every turn. For protection and wisdom and FAITH. 

Several months ago I stated "Because I know my life will never be: unfruitful, unproductive, sterile, barren, or exhausted.  Jesus whispers something else to me the morning after: I have come that they may have life,and have it to the full."

THIS IS LIFE TO THE FULL!

Here Comes the Sun

Sure, I can blame the all the concussions from soccer, or maybe I need to be taking Ginkgo on a daily basis, but I struggle to remember events, days, ok even years! I am not talking about I can't remember my 4 yr old birthday. This is as big as I cannot remember the day I met my sister-in-law for the first time 6 years ago, getting my driver's license at 16, or even what I did for New Years in 2011! I feel very left out during those: "Let's Reminisce" moments with friends and family. I always awkwardly ask, "oh was I there" and then every one stares at me like I am an alcoholic.

I am not one for resolutions or reflections. They make me feel like I am trying to hard. But maybe I need to spend a little time reflecting over the year so that at the dinner table Dec 31, 2013, I can laugh while people share memories of the year because I will have these memories too.

The problem with reflections of 2012 is it has a one dark cloud  that is shadowing over some wonderful experiences that I feel I can no longer enjoy to the fullest. 

I will never again have the first-time-to-find-out-your-pregnant moment.

And IT WAS GREAT!

I want to remember that.

I want to remember roaming around my house bewildered and overcome, screaming "I'm pregnant!" in every room because I simply did not know what to do with my self.

I want to remember calling my husband at work, trying to play it cool and asking him to try to come home early for dinner. (He could tell immediately and left work right away! I never am good at playing it cool :))

I want to remember lying on the bed together- thinking- We Did it! Your Sperm- My Egg! And crying out to God in thanksgiving and begging for guidance.

I want to remember hearing my mom on the phone almost pass out from the news- super glad she wasn't driving-and hearing my dad choke back tears and trying to whisper in the courthouse where he worked.

I want to remember my in-laws opening their present with a onesie inside and looking at us with confused and excited faces and shouting- "I knew it".

I want to remember the first time I threw up at work and called my mom because I was excited to get to experience morning sickness and then calling my mom after a weeks of throwing up at working, crying because I was experiencing morning sickness.

How precious and perfect are these memories and I don't want to forget them and I refuse to let them be robbed from me because of the circumstances.

Hubs and I are selfishly celebrating our 6 year anniversary in St. Thomas. What-What! So roll on dark cloud! I plan to reflect, resolve, and move into 2013 filled with strength and joy and I am excited to see what happens next. 

The reality of an over-sharer

My dad is not a fan of the "internets". I will never worry about him creeping my facebook page or writing an embarrassing twitter. I can understand why. Sometimes it is startling all the private things in our life we  choose to make so public. Almost seems narcissistic. I recently read in Reader's Digest (which my dad is a fan of and in fact renews my subscription to every year) that there is quite a bit of controversy over photos people upload on Facebook.  From what I understand, once you upload them, Facebook and the entities you "like" basically have the rights to them. Makes me reconsider my blogging and Facebook addiction.... for only a moment.
When it comes to blogging, I often laugh at myself for being egocentric enough to think the world wide web wants to hear from me. How I consider that my fascinating life, crafts, thoughts, and musings need to be shared. Sitting here sharing my life with strangers. I don't even know if they have kind faces!
And once I saw Julie and Julia, the fantasies began spiraling. Mr. Movie Director should be emailing me any day now to discuss the contract for a screen play based on my blog/life. OK... maybe not a movie... but for sure a publisher is going to want  me to write a book.
 I rarely even keep up with this blog. It has no direction, theme, continuity, or consistency. Why do I continue to get such a high from hitting Publish for a new post?
Pride.
Insecurity.
Probably both.
But I also think I have always been a chronic over-sharer. I spill the beans on secrets and sins usually the first night of going to a new small group.  Word-vomit regret is a daily emotion I encounter. That tight knot in your belly you get when you walk away from a conversation saying "why did I tell them that?" happens at this once a day. I am grateful that I have a thing for "awkward moments" since I classically create them daily.
I value transparency but do I cross the line into over-divulging.
Aaaahh. There I go over- sharing and over-thinking.

Stop

image via Courage-Hope-Strength

Go ahead and Enjoy yourself. Stop being a victim and start being a Conqueror. Women (and sometimes guys) have what my hubs and I dubbed the Victim-Complex. It is like we have to prove that our life is the most difficult to establish the idea we are stronger than others. Or maybe it makes us feel like we have an excuse when life doesn't work out just as we wanted. I don't think we even realize we are doing it. Posting things on facebook. Trying to top each others bad work day stories. And now-a-days every person I meet was mad fun of in high school. Which they probably all were because it is high school, filled with guess what- TEENAGERS. (Megan Fox reports she was even ridiculed. You have to say if hot mess MeggyMeg can't make it out of high school without being made fun of- WHO CAN?)
 Is it because we think that is what we deserve? Are we embarrassed to say I love my job? Are we afraid people will say, "who is she that she thinks she gets to enjoy life?"  You are good enough for a good day, a GREAT day, a loving husband, a compassionate mom, a job well done, hilarious friends, a lazy day where you never changed out of your pj's. You are good enough. If you had a bad day, that stinks. I hate bad days, the ones that everything is going wrong. You could cry at any moment. You are literally considering growling at a co-worker. It is not what you deserve though. If you are having a bad day every day..... I would look into that. That doesn't make you stronger than others or a harder worker than others. It might be time for some CH-CH-CH-Changes. Changes in your job, friends, or maybe your Spirit/Attitude. You are also good enough for help if you need it. Ask for it. Because when it comes down to it- We are all survivors. Amanda beautifully reminded a friend after what was truly a very bad day, that we are all more than CONQUERORS! (Romans 8:37). Instead of competing against each other to be the victim, share with each other how we are conquerors.
Have a Great day today and if you do, feel free to share that news. Let me know so I can enjoy the news too!

Miss Reprenstation

Newest Miss Representation Trailer (2011 Sundance Film Festival Official Selection) from Miss Representation on Vimeo.



I am not some super feminist. HOWEVER. The images and scenes they showed in the video montage in this trailer were really taken from popular culture. How did they make you feel? Degraded? And when you hear those teenagers talk about how they feel about it.... How does that make you feel? A smidgen angry and sad?
While there are parts and statements that I do not completely agree with in this video, I found it a powerful reminder to think carefully about giving support to certain media that is definitely not supporting me. Also it reminds me to be the role model of the type of women I want these teenagers to be influenced by and become.

Let me rediscover you

I am so thankful for my family and friends. Old and new. (special shout out to new friend A, who gave an inspiring half-time pep-talk on our lunch break) Sometimes I want to shake people and yell "DO YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME YOU ARE?!"
One thing almost every conversation seemed to circle back to is this thought of remembering where/what/who I place my identity in. Yes, I absolutely want to be a great nurse but that alone does not define me.
Who/What are you putting your identity in? What do you want to define you?
Today as I procrastinate working on mid-terms, I am also taking a moment of rediscovering what, Who, I choose to find my identity in.

Stopping Evil Willow

Oh Willow. Shy, innocent, Nerdy Friend of a vampire slayer. Wait.... that's not right. She dated bad boy werewolf Seth Green, then switched it up to dating a girl, and then turned into Dark-Scary-Peel-Your Skin-Off-And-And-End-The-World Witch. This chick was totally a dynamic character!
I feel like Willow demonstrates just how crazy out of control our emotions can get sometimes. Time after time, I hear a girlfriend tell me a story about how she lost control of her emotions. "I don't even know what I was so upset about." or "My poor boyfriend/husband, he had no idea what to do". This is why we need Buffy's and Xanders in our lives people. You need your other girlfriends to tell you that you are not crazy, you are a woman! :)
Sometimes in these crazy moments, I almost start laughing. Because I am sure it looks a lot like this scene. I am Angry-about to destroy the world-Evil Carly, picking fights with my precious hubs, then all of the sudden I am a heap on the floor crying. EPIC! How Dramatic!
Hubs is probably completely confused.
I just love the classic beating of Xander's chest till she falls to the ground in his arms. HAHA... So Good, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, So darn good! :)
The next time your Evil Unstable Willow is surfacing, here is a recap of a plan I use to help try and keep it short and less destructive to those around me:

1. Skip to the Cry. Really, somewhere down inside, you are probably angry because your feelings are hurt or you have given someone enough power to make you feel bad about yourself.(Dang it I do that so much) Crying is a lot less damaging to our own bodies and others then all that anger. Willow did some serious damage on her anger rampage.(seriously that skin-peeling scene still haunts me).

2. Think of a character's breakdown. I go here, to Willow. Or the ever dramatic Anne of Green Gables. Another classic is Jessie Spano's fiasco on Saved by the Bell. It either a)makes me laugh at how out-of-touch with reality I am that I am acting that crazy or b)reminds me that this happens to everyone so much that they can put it in books and shows because we can all relate. I am not crazy! I am just having one crazy moment!


3. Go do something. TV is not good. Surfing the Web, not good. Standing in front of the mirror, HORRIBLE IDEA. These things make you feel worse about yourself. GO! Go run your errands- grocery store, library, etc. Go vacuum the house. Pick a craft project off the ridiculously addicting PINTEREST. Blog. Journal. Exercise. Call a friend for lunch. Do your homework. Even in the ideal environment of the Garden of Eden, God gave Adam a job because He knows we need to be busy or we get silly!

4. Share the moment. We keep everything so secretive. Call your mom. Share in your girls bible study. Meet up with your significant other to talk. I call my bestie up in Austin who makes me feel less crazy, validates my feelings, then we move on and talk about other happenings. But we need to share, you will find out that you are not alone and we have all been there. The Xanders in our life tell us they love us and sometimes that is exactly what we need to hear during these rampages.

5. Remember to be the Xander for someone else. Once you find your happy place again, don't forget how overwhelming it feels to be out of control and look out for your friends having their Willow or Jessie Spano moments. Remind them that you love them always. Sometimes they might even need to beat up on you for a second till they fall into your arms crying. ;)Be willing to take a couple hits.

We are not crazy we just have crazy moments! Your feelings are VALID! :) Yay for hormones and emotions!

Running with style

Went for my first outside run of the season. Fall, for some people, is here when the pumpkin spice latte is back, or perhaps it's getting ready for Halloween, or these days you know its fall when Christmas decor hits Hobby Lobby. For me, its being able to run outside again.
Yes, I realize I could have been running outside anyway but I enjoy breathing, staying hydrated, not throwing up and avoiding heat strokes. In my head, where I am CEO of fantasy land, I am an incredible super-athlete with a resting heart rate of 40 and built of solid muscle. In the real world, there is NOOO way I can run outside if it is above 90 degrees. NO way. I would cry and have to call J to pick me up somewhere.
Lets go ahead and be real honest with each other- I did not do well. I have not run outside since spring and my body let me know that this decision was unexpected. But my body also loved it. As I started running, my thighs worked and as my muscles were waking up and they stared screaming "it's about time". My lungs stretched open and my heart pumped furiously to keep up and I loved it. And I hated it. I made it 3 miles and then almost threw up while waiting for the crosswalk to blink go on the way home.
At the "oh mercy alive- I'm about to throw up in front of all these cars" moment I thought to myself "WHY am I not doing this more". This is going to sound simply juvenile but I felt so good that at one point I even through my arms wide open while I jogged. Then I realized what I was doing and immediately pulled myself together. Only Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow can run like that and get away with it.
All day I felt better about myself- Like I was some magnificent Olympian for running (jogging) 3 miles. The getting up to do it- bummer, the motivating myself to do it- difficult, the actually working out part- painful, the post-work out feeling of accomplishment- TOTALLY WORTH IT.
Did I inspire you to set your alarm for 4:30 a.m. tomorrow? yeah..... I'm still trying to convince myself to do it again tomorrow too.

Faking it to Make it

I am no Rebecca Bloomwood but sometimes…..
I can’t tell if I am making it or faking it.
I do believe there is some validity to the silly mantra, “fake it till you make it.” While probably not ideal to pad your resume Bloomwood style, I am guilty of applying the fake it technique in a different subject area. When it comes to negative thinking (especially about yourself) sometimes you just have to find a way to make yourself stop. For my fellow strugglers, simply stopping doesn’t always cut it. You have to replace the thoughts and quickly take up all the extra room in your head with something else or negativity wiggles and squirm s its way back in.

Hence, start faking it. Some mornings I wake up feeling in a “poo on a stick” kind of mood. I can’t take my hair, my face, my acne, my outfit, my lack of skills at work, my, my…….. STOP. What a horrible way to start your day. This isn’t the mood I want to burden myself or the ones I love with. Spending my whole day obsessing over myself is not going to help. So I fake it. I force a smile on and go to work. In the car I dance extra crazy to a song I don’t even like on the radio. I greet everyone with a smile and hearty hello on the bus. I act like this is the best freakin day in my life. I say cheesy stuff to fill up my head like:
“I love my job!” “I am so blessed to have this job!”
No lie, I start listing positive traits about the people I work with. Ex: {Name} is so passionate about loving children, {Name} seems so sincere and down to earth, etc . This shifts my thoughts from me to others, but still the trick is to stay affirmative about others or you will find yourself back in a sour mood.

Before I know it, I am hanging a 10 o’clock medicine for a patient and sincerely investing in conversation with a parent. I am engaged in people, fostering relationships, doing my job the best I can, enjoying my job the best I can and have completely forgotten that I was faking it. I realize I have been cheerful and pleasant all morning. I don’t even know at what point the transition took place, but somewhere along the way I was no longer faking it, I was making it.

There are bad days too. Where you are tired, unfriendly, and really just want to simply get through the day. And that is ok. This isn’t really about BAD days. I am sharing how I a stop the Negative thought cycle from spinning all day. I am not advocating the idea to never be real with your emotions.

Some people will read this and think this makes me shallow or fake, or less deep and sincere. If that is you, I have a hunch that you are a) super hot and/or super confident :) so have never been sucked up into a Negative Tornado that has blown to pieces any possibility of a good day or b) probably misunderstanding me…. This is most likely due to the fact that I am not always the best at clearly getting out my point.

Without fear of sounding arrogant,(Ok that is a lie, I am a little worried that this will sound arrogant) I am proud of myself that these “poo on a stick” mornings do not come as often as they used to. I am sooo glad that they don’t.

Self Confi-dunce

A must read for us that have our struggles with confidence! Loved it...

Basically I love this website. I hesitated to share this link because this site is my secret obsession :) (co-founded by Zoey Deschanel how cannot it not be addicting)

but the article had to be shared.

Go...........

Self Confi-dunce

Looking for a Gayle.

I am trying to play it cool. I am meeting new people and bringing the A game in the effort to make a good first impression. Hopefully they will think I am sweet, friendly, and maybe a little funny. Really I just want to say, LIKE ME! BE MY FRIEND! SIT WITH ME! CALL ME! ;)

Good grief...When did I become so crazy? Historically, I am the friend-maker. Up for the challenge. Witty, friendly, and creatively finding ways to avoid the awkward "don't know what to talk about next" moments when getting to know new people. This is why I find it paradoxical that I am stumbling over words, letting the silence linger to that uncomfortable point, and seriously getting hot flashes when I am talking to people that I am starting to be smitten with (the friend-crush kind of smitten). I am tiptoeing the line of friendly and stalker-like.

What I really want: Is a Gayle. A Jennifer Aniston. A Dionne Davenport. A Rose.

Or switch it around: A Oprah. A Courtney Cox. A Cher from Clueless. A Blanche.

I am going to spend some time with the hubs this weekend regrouping. Give the new people I met a chance to forget some of the socially awkward moments that I accidentally created and start fresh Monday. :)

Oprah image via People

image via PBS on how to make friends. yeah. I read it and plan to put it in action. Talk to me next week

about it or maybe not. Because I might be to busy with all my new friends that this article helped me get.

Thumbs Up for Rock and Roll!

Freedom Breakfast with the Durham’s was a success, I think mainly because I invited the freedom pancakes to join me. I can finally say that I own a pack-n-play, it's a hot item and I have been eyeballing them for awhile. Game time with friends provided challenging fun and it became downright intense during Sequence. Marriages were at stake. Listening to the fireworks from our upstairs window did not offer quite the same sentiment to the Fourth as actually seeing them but they sounded great.

The three day weekend left me refueled and ready to tackle another week.

I feel…. I feel…

Can't seem to find the right words:

Thank you sir. Well said. That's it exactly.

Why so Delicious?

I have a new very serious and startling addiction.

It began as an innocent snacktime, pick-me-up and now has work its way into a nearly daily -DAILY- event. For those of you who know me, sweets are a weakness, but this, my dear friends, I think will surprise you:

http://www.mcdonalds.com/us/en/food/full_menu/desserts_and_shakes/chocolate_chip_cookie.html

I rationalize....

"it's cheap~ $1.08 for two"

"I had a rough day"

"I had a good day"

"I barely had time for lunch"

"Traffic is so bad it will help pass the time"

On my route home I pass FIVE McDonald's that tease and torment me. If I am strong enough to pass the first four, I break at the last one and even add a diet coke to the order. All the Mcdonald's worker now know me. They crack jokes about "the cookie girl" or at the one by my school "esta es la chica que come todas las galletas."

It is funny, and then..... it get serious... BOO for serious thoughts.

Truth B-slapped my face this weekend: This is not innocent! Dang it!

Sometimes in an effort to combat my obsessive eating habits/thoughts I allow myself to overindulge. Fearful, that saying no to a craving gives the power back to my old thinking. But this is just a substitute I suppose. The reality is, I am giving food the same authority if I always say yes as I did when I always said no. What happened? Soo sneaky J. Food, my friend, you are not in charge. Do not be confused by my recent baffling behavior but I am still boss! This week I am challenging myself to say no McD’s!

And I am willing to admit that I will probably need help. So if anyone reads this blog….encourage please! If you have my number, call or text between 4:30- 5:00 p.m. this week to remind me that I am in charge.

HAHA! Creepy and soooo fitting for this post.

The dress

I have this weird obsession for pretend shopping for cute dresses. I really do not like shopping. I can do, let's say, about an hour of mall time, and then I am done. Get ready for Cranky Carly. Oh I will bring it! A bad attitude, mean remarks, pouting, and if you push me, I can give you a hell of a breakdown in a dressing room over my arms! Ask my sweet mother. She has learn the hard way to keep the shopping time sharply to 59 minutos!

But for the first 20 minutes, I get fairly excited about cute dresses. Well Carly, you are thinking, I never really see you wear dresses. mmhhmm. You are correct! And yet I want to.

So Why not?

First: When am I suppose to wear them? Nurse= Scrubs and our church is pretty casual.

Second: It looks like I am trying to hard! My fear is people will look at me and think: Why is she wearing a dress? And it puts this added pressure on me that my hair and makeup need to look even better. And with the state my back is in... forget about it! I would have to wear a jacket. Which I end up putting on anyway, feeling like a scank with my shoulders exposed ;)!

I never think these things when I see someone else in a dress so why would I think others are have such rambling thoughts about me.

Occasionally I, or usually I can blame to co-shopper with me (i.e. MOM) can talk me into buying such a dress. I am excited. I feel all cute in the dressing room and think, I am going to find places to where this new attire. The result is these lonely dresses sit patiently in the closet. Oh and they do not even make the "real" closet. Poor guys hang untouched in the guest bedroom closet as to not torment me with their sad dusty eyes!

So this weekend I am conquering these insecurities and putting on dress! Judge away World, because my scanky shoulder, backne, and ponytailed hair are wearing a cute dress anyway!

oh dear.......................................