How the D's do ONE

He celebrated his first year surrounded by a family that is absolutely smitten with him. 

 He brings JOY to our life every day. 

Did I mention that the cake was egg and butter free? 

The egg was on purpose - I haven't introduced eggs in his diet yet and did not think first bday party was the right time to discover if he had an allergy. Googled up some suggestions and threw in a little applesauce and a mashed banana instead.

THE BUTTER HOWEVER-

Once everyone had arrived, my social anxiety kicked in and needing a boost, I opened the microwave to warm up some leftover morning coffee. SURPRISE, there was the butter I had put in the microwave to soften while making the cake. 

Cousin Austin coming in for a quick smash cake pep talk and strategy planning conversation.

First Contact initiated.

I guess Little Man is a health nut because he seemed to approve of the SANS butter and egg cake.

The Astounding T-Shirt Sale Phenomenon of 2013

Click Here to: Buy A Shirt

How am I supposed to respond to this? If you could see my face as I type, delete, stare with wide eyes. Type, delete, and stare some more. 

Here is my best attempt to respond to the astounding phenomenon I witnessed yesterday:

Yesterday on my lunch break I called Hubs and asked, "How long do you think we should say we want to do this t-shirt sale to make sure we get the required minimum of 50 shirts sold?" We discussed and decided we would extend the fundraising to run 10 days and hopefully we could get 50 by then. I hit launch and went to microwave my taco soup. Sitting there eating, I looked to see if anyone has checked out the site yet- 2 shirts sold! In 2 minutes! I was elated. We can get 50 in 10 days! Let's do this.

Going room to room, talking to patients and my phone is buzzing off the wall in my coat. I slyly sneak a peak. My friends are a buzz- We've sold 49. I drop a quick FB shout out about # 50 and keep talking about why fried chicken and gravy is not an ideal breakfast food to a patient with Diabetes. My thoughts are really elsewhere. 50! In one day!

I run to "take a bathroom break". 30 people have shared the link on FB already. It's going viral. My phone keeps buzzing, "68"  "You're at $6000!" "This is crazy"  "79!!" "80 and counting" The texts were pouring in.

I am trying to text everyone back but my hands are shaking. 

The final count for DAY 1:

151 Shirts

$9381.00

911 Facebook Likes

38 Link Shares on Facebook

2 Tweets 

9 Pins on Pinterest

The money is one thing. I am thankful and it is very needed. But the support and encouragement. Man. That's what is choking me up. My kindergarten buddy, a friend I would ride my bike up and down the block with pretending we had our driver’s license and were dating members of Ace of Base, shared my link and spread the word.  Dear friends in Kansas, rallied in support. High School peps made shout outs and linked up the site. Fairmont Park was all over the place with links and donations. Old college buddies advocated for this cause and encouraged others to join.  With each share, post, like, sale, donation, and kind word my heart grew a little more and by midnight it was ready to burst!

For a couple who spent the last year struggling with feelings regarding our worthiness and identity- yesterday rocked us!

Thank you!

Hubs and I love you and are so thankful for you friendships and support. We are very blessed. Thank you for the outpouring of love!

9 Days Left. ;)

This is life to the Full.

Image via Holly Gerth 

Every morning since we made this decision I wake up EXCITED! 

I don't know if it is because I know OUR BABY is out there already or if it is because we are now answering 'yes' when God puts something on our hearts.

But like the Hubs asked, "Why can't it be both?"

Stepping out on Faith.
Family and friends have questions and concerns. I  respect that. That shows me you care and have a heart for me that you don't want to get hurt. I AM GRATEFUL. You guys have a heart that hurts when Jon and I  get hurt.
I have been called to be the heart that will hurt for this little peanut.
I AM HONORED!
Parenting hurts. It is full of risk. Any way you try to slice this apple, heartbreak is inevitable.
And then there is blessing.
Faith.
We did not make this decision thinking- "We are hopeless, we want a child, We... We.... We...."
But rather this was about one thing only:
God put it on our heart.
We inquired about some orphaned children in Eastern Europe with Down Syndrome and we wept. Literally.
And like Nehemiah we prayed that God forgive us our sins and grant us success to help be part of their story of rescue and redemption.
Also like ole Nehemiah we did not tell many people what God put on our heart (Nehemiah 2:12) while we examined the remaining walls. Not just the facts of the situation, children, or agency but more importantly the walls of our heart. We started really listening. AND THE SPIRIT KEPT TALKING. This is where I apologize if you felt left out. We had to pray and answer this calling before we made a decision to tell everyone.

There is a chance we could get burned. There is a chance I will call my mom with a broken heart during this process.And yes,this is a life long change. Let's be honest, this is also an inevitable fact of parenting. When I called my mom broken, 28 years after she brought me home as a baby, and told her I lost my baby, she hurt. She cried with me. She came up to care for me and was simply mom and I was daughter.

28 years later. She is still Mom. 

Someday this little guy might be a giant Eastern European Man. I will still be his Mom and he will be my son. How will that look? 
Faith.

I do understand the concerns and question as this was a huge "word bomb" we exploded on everyone. I hear you. I respect you. 

My Response:

1. PRAY. Examine the walls of your heart. Surrender it all over. ASK GOD to speak in your 
     heart. What is scaring you and why? How can God cover that fear with faith? 
2. Read Nehemiah. God does indeed still speak- and how did Nehemiah decide God placed
    this on his heart? How did he respond? What amazing things did he accomplish? 
3. Research Down Syndrome. We really do not know the extent of his delays but we have 
    been told that  to the best of their knowledge THE ONLY THING MEDICALLY DIFFERENT 
    ABOUT THIS  CHILD IS ONE EXTRA CHROMOSOME. What does that mean? I think you 
   will be surprised to find that it is not as scary as it looks.  
3. Encourage us. I am calling it the Double T. We are THRILLED and TERRIFIED. God has 
   already  placed some friends in my life that have uplifted me over the last week in a way that I  
   know was Spirit led.  Will you also let the Spirit use you to encourage us?
4. Be excited. You are now Grandparents. Aunts. Uncles. Life-long partners and Friends in this
    celebration of life. This is going to be AWESOME. Even during the heartbreak. Because 
   God's glory is going to be shown in this step of faith no matter what happens- and it is 
   HUMBLING and EXCITING that we get to be a part of that.

And then, when you are ready, pray for this child. He needs someone to pick him up NOW and when he cries at night he needs someone to cuddle. Join me in praying God send a person to be his designated cuddler until I can take over that role. Pray for us, that God shapes my heart into a heart of a mother. That God guides Hubs in all these decisions and gives him wisdom and patience at every turn. For protection and wisdom and FAITH. 

Several months ago I stated "Because I know my life will never be: unfruitful, unproductive, sterile, barren, or exhausted.  Jesus whispers something else to me the morning after: I have come that they may have life,and have it to the full."

THIS IS LIFE TO THE FULL!

what should we call it

Infertility
I googled a synonym for it and  the other options are worse. Trust me on this.... don't do it. So what do we call it.
I almost put a question mark at the end of that word. I simply do not think it fits. By medical definition, it just might. After two years, this word is started to creepity creep its way into my mind but somewhere along the way I have adopted an attitude that this label is not me/us.
"I am young. I've got time. I'm in grad school still. The timing actually might not have worked out right anyway. Some people have struggled even longer."
While the above statements are indeed truth. The underlying secret is for about one week EVERY month for TWO years I get excited that I might be pregnant. (of course, this excludes the months I was actually pregnant). When will a girl learn this is not a good idea?
This can make anyone start to tiptoe the line of insanity.
So what should we call this...........Process.
I have never blogged about this before. But after such positive feedback (hey thanks for that) from the last post I decided to brave forward.
I don't think I am there yet. Don't mistake my optimism for fraud. I still cried yesterday on our "Not this Month" date night of sushi, mango mojitos, and coffee; but I feel in my gut that there is a plan for the hubs and I. The day after the day I realize I'm not pregnant God fills me with renewed energy and excitement about the days ahead.  And while my mom and mom-in-law will hate this statement, the energy is not from the faith that I will get pregnant. I do not feel God has promised me that. It lies in this idea that if I never get pregnant; I can still be/do incredible things for the kingdom. Maybe even more than if I get pregnant.....
Which is why I will not call it infertility. Because I know my life will never be: unfruitful, unproductive, sterile, barren, or exhausted.  Jesus whispers something else to me the morning after:
I have come that they may have life,and have it to the full.

Here Comes the Sun

Sure, I can blame the all the concussions from soccer, or maybe I need to be taking Ginkgo on a daily basis, but I struggle to remember events, days, ok even years! I am not talking about I can't remember my 4 yr old birthday. This is as big as I cannot remember the day I met my sister-in-law for the first time 6 years ago, getting my driver's license at 16, or even what I did for New Years in 2011! I feel very left out during those: "Let's Reminisce" moments with friends and family. I always awkwardly ask, "oh was I there" and then every one stares at me like I am an alcoholic.

I am not one for resolutions or reflections. They make me feel like I am trying to hard. But maybe I need to spend a little time reflecting over the year so that at the dinner table Dec 31, 2013, I can laugh while people share memories of the year because I will have these memories too.

The problem with reflections of 2012 is it has a one dark cloud  that is shadowing over some wonderful experiences that I feel I can no longer enjoy to the fullest. 

I will never again have the first-time-to-find-out-your-pregnant moment.

And IT WAS GREAT!

I want to remember that.

I want to remember roaming around my house bewildered and overcome, screaming "I'm pregnant!" in every room because I simply did not know what to do with my self.

I want to remember calling my husband at work, trying to play it cool and asking him to try to come home early for dinner. (He could tell immediately and left work right away! I never am good at playing it cool :))

I want to remember lying on the bed together- thinking- We Did it! Your Sperm- My Egg! And crying out to God in thanksgiving and begging for guidance.

I want to remember hearing my mom on the phone almost pass out from the news- super glad she wasn't driving-and hearing my dad choke back tears and trying to whisper in the courthouse where he worked.

I want to remember my in-laws opening their present with a onesie inside and looking at us with confused and excited faces and shouting- "I knew it".

I want to remember the first time I threw up at work and called my mom because I was excited to get to experience morning sickness and then calling my mom after a weeks of throwing up at working, crying because I was experiencing morning sickness.

How precious and perfect are these memories and I don't want to forget them and I refuse to let them be robbed from me because of the circumstances.

Hubs and I are selfishly celebrating our 6 year anniversary in St. Thomas. What-What! So roll on dark cloud! I plan to reflect, resolve, and move into 2013 filled with strength and joy and I am excited to see what happens next. 

To the mamas

To the mama's:
http://www.incourage.me/2012/05/what-we-wish-we-could-tell-you-mamas.html



To my mama:
You are loved!  All I wanted to do all day was give you a big hug and make sure you know this.

oh look a dancing goat

As we drove through small country towns along the route to visit the grandparents, my mom would make random comments about how peaceful it would be to have a cow and a goat and how much she wanted one. haha..... I don't think she really thought it through. It would just look so picture-book when we would pass by giant farm houses with wrap around porches and small baby goats and cows off in the field.
Last weekend at the pumpkin patch, a stinky grungy goat purposefully tried to pee on me. Seriously, it was intentional. We were feeding him the silly goat food and when we ran out, he gave me the stank-eye and then turned around to pee on me. Anything but peaceful.

She was probably picturing something more like the little hopper in the above video. Here is your peaceful moment Mom.


Image via Cafe Cosecha

Let me rediscover you

I am so thankful for my family and friends. Old and new. (special shout out to new friend A, who gave an inspiring half-time pep-talk on our lunch break) Sometimes I want to shake people and yell "DO YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME YOU ARE?!"
One thing almost every conversation seemed to circle back to is this thought of remembering where/what/who I place my identity in. Yes, I absolutely want to be a great nurse but that alone does not define me.
Who/What are you putting your identity in? What do you want to define you?
Today as I procrastinate working on mid-terms, I am also taking a moment of rediscovering what, Who, I choose to find my identity in.

Inspiration, Exploration, and a little Perspiration

Indeed the words for my weekend.

Inspiration.

Found this wall inside the home of Amanda Mason-Hays and knew I wanted one.

I decided before I start my new job and I should tackle one last big Betty-Finale of a project.

Durham living room before:

No I do not decorate with Christmas year round, these pics are from December.

Durham Room After:

While I want to take credit for this mighty feat, I should probably go ahead and confess that my mom was in town this week. Not only was she the support during the ever daunting “decision-making” moments that stress me so, she also sponsored the rugJ. This 8x10 majestic number was only $199 from Marshalls HomeGoods. Steal of a Deal!

Exploration.

The family then spent Saturday transporting through time and reliving the story of TEXAS at the Houston Museum of Natural Science's new Texas exhibit. I feel reconnected to my roots and proud to be Texan (or as they kept saying in the video Texian.) I love being a Durham, but my Crockett blood runs deep!

Perspiration.

I am sure you were expecting to find a picture of how ridiculously hot and humid it seems to be this summer and it was hot and humid this weekend. But this Perspiration is not from the sun, the guilty villain causing me to sweat this weekend was UNITED/CONTINENTAL Airlines. They canceled my parents flight on Sunday! grrrr. Then they had no plan to help the 200+ passengers find a new way to get to their destination. Oh wait, they did offer to put them on the Tuesday evening flight. While that sounded soooo helpful, my Dad had a project at work he had to be back for. Jon and I got online and booked them on the 9:45 p.m. flight from Hobby, drove to IAH picked them up (first they waited 2 hours to get their bags back), and drove them to Hobby with Mom on the phone in the backseat trying to convince Continental to refund them for the canceled flight. Perspiration.

In Conclusion:

I love Southwest. Why do I punish myself by booking flights with other airlines? I know what me and Southwest have is real, true, and beautiful. Forgive me SW and please take me back!

Feliz Dia de la Madre

Happy Mother’s Day to my amazing, beautiful, fun, compassionate mom! Thank you for the years of unconditional love, friendship, and guidance. I am blessed beyond measure to have you as my mom! I love you!

And I am also blessed that I love my husbands Mom too! Thanks for being such a sweet and fun M-I-L Kelli Durham!

150XC Emerson Gotcher Cross Country at Coconino Classic 1, July 11th-12t...

Spring Break 2011

My trip to Midland over Spring Break was fabulous:

To start I got to hang out with my cousin, Emma, all weekend. I still remember when Aunt Carla sat on our couch and told us she was preggers! I planned out a future for me and this new cousin. In my head I would be her best friend, taking her to soccer games, painting each other's nail, etc.

As a 12 year old, the idea of me married, having a job, living in another city did not occur to me. I feel like I never get quality time with her.

Emma is now in 8th grade! Where did all our hang out time go?! She is an amazingly posed, funny, and VERY TALENTED teenager! Works her butt off at the barn..... doing jumpy horse things that have real names that I do not know.

I posted her video for all to watch~ which I know she will be upset with me for doing that but I am Impressed and Proud. Seriously, in 8th grade I was excited to make a silly free throw and this chica is making horses do just whatever she wants them to! THE POWER!

Mom and I got much needed girl talk time. I love that I am at an age that I truly love and respect my mom and desire her input. Good grief~ it would have made being a teenager easier if we could conclude these principals earlier in life.

Houston is a city of food. So many amazing chefs and choices. But there is something about the food you grow up on that will simply always be the best! I filled my little tummy to the brim with Shogun's, Murry's, Pizzeria Venti. Plus, we all know that my mom is a little baker so I had to eat up a gooey yummy chocolate cake. And it would have been rude for me not to finish the whole thing before I left! I return to my hubs as a curvier woman. ;)

I did miss my ole Hubs though. Venezuela did not feel right. I had a pit in my stomach about it and I am not usually like that. Jon and I are frequently separated by mileage and while it does make me sad, I have learned how to cope. But this time, something in my gut was unsettled about this trip and when it got canceled the relief was overwhelming. I realize that yes, he will have to go at some point but the timing or something was simply off for right now.

One last day of Spring Break and what am I going to do?

Sleep! (well at least in between the loads of laundry)