Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The chapter: Recurring Loss

Blogging about infertility can mean, from time to time, the less jovial post.

This last month we drifted out of the waters of infertility and into the vast ocean of recurring loss.

Infertility can keep you wearingly treading to keep your chin above the waters of insecurity.
 Recurring Loss simply drowns you in grief. 

Infertility is struggle to get pregnant, recurring loss is the struggle to stay pregnant.

Many ask if it hurts less with a child at home or does it hurt less with each time. (These are legitimate questions- I like and understand why you ask- always ask rather than assume).

After hearing the news of the loss, I got to go home a see a family that remains precious AS IS. Any further additions will be welcomed with joy and praise and still my heart is currently complete with my spectacular family of three. I am so overwhelmed with thankfulness for Little Man that I do not as quickly feel forgotten my God as I did times before. He brought together a beautiful family. He redeemed my broken body by using it to guide us on a journey to meet the most incredible little boy- and in his grace I got to take this little boy home and call him MINE. This journey led my Hubs and I to place our worth and identity in God alone. A lesson difficult but amazing to learn. That said……..

"Does it hurt less with little man home?"

I smile a little and lie a little. The real answer seems too harsh to say out loud.

"Yeah, it hurts less."

But the truth is…..

One day there is a heart beating inside you. The next day that life is gone.
One day hope pulsates within of you. The next day that hope is gone.

Not a lot makes that hurt less, maybe just hurts differently.

For those who keep trying to conceive (Or have conceived) after recurring loss, what are ways you stay encouraged to keep trying? What resources, books, songs or scriptures keep you uplifted?

Would you consider sharing your story as a resource for those just starting this new chapter of our story?


  1. Infertility is.. something that I never thought I would experience. But I have been dealing with it for 4 years now. It is a grief that feels new and fresh every single month. There have been only a couple months that we have actively not wanted to get pregnant. When we first decided to adopt and found "Bea," it seemed like we would finally have a child. The first couple months after committing to her, the infertility struggle truly disappeared. Mostly because I didn't want to get pregnant and not be able to adopt her. But after that, the desire to give her a sibling that was close in age made me want to have a plan- we either needed to adopt more than one or I needed to get pregnant. After we found out we couldn't adopt her, that old infertility wound was re-opened with new intensity.
    I can't imagine that my desire to have a biological child will ever truly go away. Pregnancy and adoption are not the same thing. My desire to be a mom and to be pregnant are both in my mind and heart.
    We have had 2 losses, and 4 years of infertility, and 1 failed adoption. Some days I can find a way to be excited about our current adoption journey because I can't imagine a day when our dream will actually come true-- because we've been waiting for so long. We have a room full of stuff for a 2 year old girl, that now has a layer of dust on it! :-/
    I can't give you any advice, only commiseration. It's hard. The most helpful thing anyone ever said to me after my last miscarriage was this: maybe this last pregnancy wasn't about me. Maybe it was about that tiny baby, that little soul. Maybe it's only need/goal in this life was to be 100% wanted and loved and hoped for. And once it was in my my womb, and showered with love an acceptance by my husband and I, it's mission was complete, and it died. Maybe it was not about what I wanted at all.

    1. Thanks for sharing! I am sorry for your struggle. What an excellent thought that person shared with you. That tiny baby was 100% loved and wanted!! I have said before that my struggle with infertility did not disappear as the plane landed on US soil with Little Man in our lap. BUT as we landed I realized God is writing a story for me unique and beautiful. I will always long to carry a baby to term and deliver- but even if that is not my story God has shown me how He can redeem that loss.
      I cannot wait to see how your story continues to unfold!