Writing a guest blog for a woman who I consider to be nailing it when it comes to being a woman who can do it all (which she herself admits, she does not and we do not have to do it all- be it all, she just wants to encourage us to do what we do overflowing with passion and love) surprisingly brought up some shoved away insecurities. I guest blog from time to time for random internet blog buddies and write occasionally over at adoption.com but a post for Life-As-She-Does-It felt daunting. And then she had to go and get the witty Katy Livingston to go first, leaving me the follow up post. I stand little chance. It’s like signing up for a meal train to bring my store-bought chicken or grilled cheese sandwiches the night after your foodie friend has listed she is making lambs with chimi-churi sauce and homemade buttered-pecan ice-cream. The "look-ahead" is a real technique to make sure you are not setting up your people for disappointment. Now here I offer you my boxed mac n’cheese with added hotdogs weenies, after you just ate homemade beef bourguignon. Go ahead a lower your expectations my people.
Continue reading my guest post over at LifeAsSheDoesIt and then stick around that site and discover all the great things it has happening!
Sometimes it confuses me, you know. There is this fine line I try to tiptoe along, arms stretched out from my side, wobbling back and forth. When I finally start to feel my footing secure, confident in who I am, who God calls me to be and what God is doing through me; suddenly I lean back the other way, squirming unbalanced between worried I am arrogant, then almost falling off altogether by the weight of disbelief in myself. (Which really is a disbelief in something/someone bigger, right?)
My struggle with insecurity and self-esteem is no secret.
Amazing Grace. It is true it is amazing. The whole point is that we didn't deserve it, we didn't earn it, God gave it. This is the truth BUT that is not the end of the story.
HE CHOSE YOU. He believes in you enough to send his Holy Spirit to live inside of you. He calls you his daughter.
He believes in you. You were created to be you. When we come into the kingdom (or insert whatever over-used christian culture cliche here you prefer) He doesn't say: Well thats good cuz you were junk before….
HE says HALLELUJAH! I created her. I loved her before. I love her still. I love her always.
I think sometimes
sometimes
We dwell in this realm of broken. We get stuck at the "we are all sinners" camp site and set up camp making us some burnt marshmallows wishing we could do more. Giving cynical judgmental stares at the women and men out doing "BIG" things. We linger around acting like we don't deserve more. We forget to move forward to rest in the peace that He thinks we do.
Grace. We don't deserve it. We cannot earn it. This is suppose to be liberating. It is for FREEDOM that Christ set us free. Not to feel in chained by grace or darkness. By a before or the after. When the after is not all rainbows and unicorns we tend to question the authenticity of our encounter that brought us out of the before.
Oh to embrace the freedom of grace. We are free to be the unique and wonderful daughters of the KING.
Not arrogantly, but confidently walking. Walking through our stories. My story includes a journey of faith. Some days I still struggle with this walk. With my story. With my faith.
Yet I am set free. I am free to be me in the fullest way. He chose me. He loves me.
Balanced.
He steadies my tittering as I walk along. He reminds me I need not stretch out my arms side to side- an inefficacious reach to steady myself. I can stretch my arms high, waving in praise and redemption. Confident to walk freely in who He made me and in what He calls me to.
He loves you AS IS. That's not arrogant. Because THAT IS FOR EVERYONE! That is for YOU!
(Shout out to my son who is reminding me about being loved AS IS daily. Woot Woot Little Man)
My dad is not a fan of the "internets". I will never worry about him creeping my facebook page or writing an embarrassing twitter. I can understand why. Sometimes it is startling all the private things in our life we choose to make so public. Almost seems narcissistic. I recently read in Reader's Digest (which my dad is a fan of and in fact renews my subscription to every year) that there is quite a bit of controversy over photos people upload on Facebook. From what I understand, once you upload them, Facebook and the entities you "like" basically have the rights to them. Makes me reconsider my blogging and Facebook addiction.... for only a moment.
When it comes to blogging, I often laugh at myself for being egocentric enough to think the world wide web wants to hear from me. How I consider that my fascinating life, crafts, thoughts, and musings need to be shared. Sitting here sharing my life with strangers. I don't even know if they have kind faces!
And once I saw Julie and Julia, the fantasies began spiraling. Mr. Movie Director should be emailing me any day now to discuss the contract for a screen play based on my blog/life. OK... maybe not a movie... but for sure a publisher is going to want me to write a book.
I rarely even keep up with this blog. It has no direction, theme, continuity, or consistency. Why do I continue to get such a high from hitting Publish for a new post?
Pride.
Insecurity.
Probably both.
But I also think I have always been a chronic over-sharer. I spill the beans on secrets and sins usually the first night of going to a new small group. Word-vomit regret is a daily emotion I encounter. That tight knot in your belly you get when you walk away from a conversation saying "why did I tell them that?" happens at this once a day. I am grateful that I have a thing for "awkward moments" since I classically create them daily.
I value transparency but do I cross the line into over-divulging.
Aaaahh. There I go over- sharing and over-thinking.
Go ahead and Enjoy yourself. Stop being a victim and start being a Conqueror.
Women (and sometimes guys) have what my hubs and I dubbed the Victim-Complex. It is like we have to prove that our life is the most difficult to establish the idea we are stronger than others. Or maybe it makes us feel like we have an excuse when life doesn't work out just as we wanted. I don't think we even realize we are doing it. Posting things on facebook. Trying to top each others bad work day stories. And now-a-days every person I meet was mad fun of in high school. Which they probably all were because it is high school, filled with guess what- TEENAGERS. (Megan Fox reports she was even ridiculed. You have to say if hot mess MeggyMeg can't make it out of high school without being made fun of- WHO CAN?)
Is it because we think that is what we deserve? Are we embarrassed to say I love my job? Are we afraid people will say, "who is she that she thinks she gets to enjoy life?" You are good enough for a good day, a GREAT day, a loving husband, a compassionate mom, a job well done, hilarious friends, a lazy day where you never changed out of your pj's. You are good enough.
If you had a bad day, that stinks. I hate bad days, the ones that everything is going wrong. You could cry at any moment. You are literally considering growling at a co-worker. It is not what you deserve though. If you are having a bad day every day..... I would look into that. That doesn't make you stronger than others or a harder worker than others. It might be time for some CH-CH-CH-Changes. Changes in your job, friends, or maybe your Spirit/Attitude. You are also good enough for help if you need it. Ask for it. Because when it comes down to it- We are all survivors. Amanda beautifully reminded a friend after what was truly a very bad day, that we are all more than CONQUERORS! (Romans 8:37). Instead of competing against each other to be the victim, share with each other how we are conquerors.
Have a Great day today and if you do, feel free to share that news. Let me know so I can enjoy the news too!
I am so thankful for my family and friends. Old and new. (special shout out to new friend A, who gave an inspiring half-time pep-talk on our lunch break) Sometimes I want to shake people and yell "DO YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME YOU ARE?!" One thing almost every conversation seemed to circle back to is this thought of remembering where/what/who I place my identity in. Yes, I absolutely want to be a great nurse but that alone does not define me. Who/What are you putting your identity in? What do you want to define you? Today as I procrastinate working on mid-terms, I am also taking a moment of rediscovering what, Who, I choose to find my identity in.
I am no Rebecca Bloomwood but sometimes….. I can’t tell if I am making it or faking it. I do believe there is some validity to the silly mantra, “fake it till you make it.” While probably not ideal to pad your resume Bloomwood style, I am guilty of applying the fake it technique in a different subject area. When it comes to negative thinking (especially about yourself) sometimes you just have to find a way to make yourself stop. For my fellow strugglers, simply stopping doesn’t always cut it. You have to replace the thoughts and quickly take up all the extra room in your head with something else or negativity wiggles and squirm s its way back in.
Hence, start faking it. Some mornings I wake up feeling in a “poo on a stick” kind of mood. I can’t take my hair, my face, my acne, my outfit, my lack of skills at work, my, my…….. STOP. What a horrible way to start your day. This isn’t the mood I want to burden myself or the ones I love with. Spending my whole day obsessing over myself is not going to help. So I fake it. I force a smile on and go to work. In the car I dance extra crazy to a song I don’t even like on the radio. I greet everyone with a smile and hearty hello on the bus. I act like this is the best freakin day in my life. I say cheesy stuff to fill up my head like: “I love my job!” “I am so blessed to have this job!” No lie, I start listing positive traits about the people I work with. Ex: {Name} is so passionate about loving children, {Name} seems so sincere and down to earth, etc . This shifts my thoughts from me to others, but still the trick is to stay affirmative about others or you will find yourself back in a sour mood.
Before I know it, I am hanging a 10 o’clock medicine for a patient and sincerely investing in conversation with a parent. I am engaged in people, fostering relationships, doing my job the best I can, enjoying my job the best I can and have completely forgotten that I was faking it. I realize I have been cheerful and pleasant all morning. I don’t even know at what point the transition took place, but somewhere along the way I was no longer faking it, I was making it.
There are bad days too. Where you are tired, unfriendly, and really just want to simply get through the day. And that is ok. This isn’t really about BAD days. I am sharing how I a stop the Negative thought cycle from spinning all day. I am not advocating the idea to never be real with your emotions.
Some people will read this and think this makes me shallow or fake, or less deep and sincere. If that is you, I have a hunch that you are a) super hot and/or super confident :) so have never been sucked up into a Negative Tornado that has blown to pieces any possibility of a good day or b) probably misunderstanding me…. This is most likely due to the fact that I am not always the best at clearly getting out my point.
Without fear of sounding arrogant,(Ok that is a lie, I am a little worried that this will sound arrogant) I am proud of myself that these “poo on a stick” mornings do not come as often as they used to. I am sooo glad that they don’t.
A must read for us that have our struggles with confidence! Loved it...
Basically I love this website. I hesitated to share this link because this site is my secret obsession :) (co-founded by Zoey Deschanel how cannot it not be addicting)
I am trying to play it cool. I am meeting new people and bringing the A game in the effort to make a good first impression. Hopefully they will think I am sweet, friendly, and maybe a little funny. Really I just want to say, LIKE ME! BE MY FRIEND! SIT WITH ME! CALL ME! ;)
Good grief...When did I become so crazy? Historically, I am the friend-maker. Up for the challenge. Witty, friendly, and creatively finding ways to avoid the awkward "don't know what to talk about next" moments when getting to know new people. This is why I find it paradoxical that I am stumbling over words, letting the silence linger to that uncomfortable point, and seriously getting hot flashes when I am talking to people that I am starting to be smitten with (the friend-crush kind of smitten). I am tiptoeing the line of friendly and stalker-like.
What I really want: Is a Gayle. A Jennifer Aniston. A Dionne Davenport. A Rose.
Or switch it around: A Oprah. A Courtney Cox. A Cher from Clueless. A Blanche.
I am going to spend some time with the hubs this weekend regrouping. Give the new people I met a chance to forget some of the socially awkward moments that I accidentally created and start fresh Monday. :)
I have a new very serious and startling addiction.
It began as an innocent snacktime, pick-me-up and now has work its way into a nearly daily -DAILY- event. For those of you who know me, sweets are a weakness, but this, my dear friends, I think will surprise you:
On my route home I pass FIVE McDonald's that tease and torment me. If I am strong enough to pass the first four, I break at the last one and even add a diet coke to the order. All the Mcdonald's worker now know me. They crack jokes about "the cookie girl" or at the one by my school "esta eslachicaquecometodas lasgalletas."
It is funny, and then..... it get serious... BOO for serious thoughts.
Truth B-slapped my face this weekend: This is not innocent! Dang it!
Sometimes in an effort to combat my obsessive eating habits/thoughts I allow myself to overindulge. Fearful, that saying no to a craving gives the power back to my old thinking. But this is just a substitute I suppose. The reality is, I am giving food the same authority if I always say yes as I did when I always said no. What happened? Soo sneaky J. Food, my friend, you are not in charge. Do not be confused by my recent baffling behavior but I am still boss! This week I am challenging myself to say no McD’s!
And I am willing to admit that I will probably need help. So if anyone reads this blog….encourage please! If you have my number, call or text between 4:30- 5:00 p.m. this week to remind me that I am in charge.
I have this weird obsession for pretend shopping for cute dresses. I really do not like shopping. I can do, let's say, about an hour of mall time, and then I am done. Get ready for Cranky Carly. Oh I will bring it! A bad attitude, mean remarks, pouting, and if you push me, I can give you a hell of a breakdown in a dressing room over my arms! Ask my sweet mother. She has learn the hard way to keep the shopping time sharply to 59 minutos!
But for the first 20 minutes, I get fairly excited about cute dresses. Well Carly, you are thinking, I never really see you wear dresses. mmhhmm. You are correct! And yet I want to.
So Why not?
First: When am I suppose to wear them? Nurse= Scrubs and our church is pretty casual.
Second: It looks like I am trying to hard! My fear is people will look at me and think: Why is she wearing a dress? And it puts this added pressure on me that my hair and makeup need to look even better. And with the state my back is in... forget about it! I would have to wear a jacket. Which I end up putting on anyway, feeling like a scank with my shoulders exposed ;)!
I never think these things when I see someone else in a dress so why would I think others are have such rambling thoughts about me.
Occasionally I, or usually I can blame to co-shopper with me (i.e. MOM) can talk me into buying such a dress. I am excited. I feel all cute in the dressing room and think, I am going to find places to where this new attire. The result is these lonely dresses sit patiently in the closet. Oh and they do not even make the "real" closet. Poor guys hang untouched in the guest bedroom closet as to not torment me with their sad dusty eyes!
So this weekend I am conquering these insecurities and putting on dress! Judge away World, because my scanky shoulder, backne, and ponytailed hair are wearing a cute dress anyway!
Seriously, I am an adult (or at least I am attempting to be one) and THIS is not suppose to be a something an adult deals with.Adolescents….. sure.Teenagers….. Absolutetly.Eventhe occasionalCollege student must face up to this experience. But Adults?NO!
What do you think you are doing Bac(k)ne?Yes, it is true. I am and adult dealing with the ever real and ever humiliating fact that I have ACNE on my back. What is even more embarrassing is how I have handled it!Abouttwo months ago when I started getting red spots on my back I thought it was just the occasional successful pimple attempting to torment me.When they began to take over and start a war with all the moles on my back I began to PANICK.This is not acne?!?This is a rash… or an infection I caught from those sick kiddos that come to my clinic.A nurse in denial!I scheduled a dermatologist appointment ASAP to prevent this RASH from getting worse.
At my appointment I told the Doctor how I have maybe a strep of staph infection on my back.“You are not going to believe how bad this infection is!” I stressed to him just sure he would agree.He took one look and asked how long I have been dealing with the ACNE on my back!!!!!
These guys are not friendly either.They itch and they hurt! I had encounters with pimples in high school but my heart now has more compassion for my fellow acne sufferers of the world.I was prescribed different washes and creams and the battle continues to rage on unsuccessfully.
The winner of most of the war so far is insecurity!It simply amazes me how this seemingly insignificant flaw can drain gallons of my confidence fuel.The last two weeks I have been driving on E! And poor Jon has had to basically carry me to keep me going. J
Then today, while cleaning out the prius, I found an old CD I had bought with Amanda and Tyler in high school.This is cheesy stuff folks, but I found a really silly WONDERFUL song that helped pick me up a little today the same way it did when I was 16.
Sometimes I have good days and it's good to be me Sometimes I get the best of insecurity And it's quite alright to be the one and only But today I feel like the one and lonely
It's not that I don't know beauty is only skin deep Just the skin I'm in, not the girl within But one imperfection takes away my grin Not that I think I'm ugly but Acne throws me for a backslide I won't go outside Makeup can't hide how I feel inside Some days it's hard to be a one girl revolution
