Do remember me

A couple weeks ago Little Man and I were cruising into town to go to RISE and jamming to our usual PAGE CXVI, in hopes that it would lull him into a deep travel slumber. Instead it was me that got lulled into a deep travel sob. One of the lullabies was Do, Lord an old hymn. Tears leaked from my eyes and stuck to my cheeks as the song words swirled throughout the car begging to be remembered.

Do you remember me?

Have I been forgotten?

Infertility has the trick of making you feel broken. Lying to you that the reason you can't get/stay pregnant is that you are broken and God does not want to fix you. You have been forgotten. I laid on the couch at nearing the end of my first trimester and already on bed rest with a subchorionic hemorrhage. We were not of to a good start. A group of friends gathered around and "laid hands" on me to pray for me and baby. This is awkward for me. The denomination I grew up in did not do this much. I feel silly. I doubt. I am cynical. I wonder. And in that moment I desperately searched my heart and genuinely asked God to help me overcome my disbelief, begging him to remember me.

That night I miscarried.

Do you remember me?

"O God my rock," I cry, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I wander around in grief, oppressed by my enemies?"

Thanks David for finding the right words. Here I am, wandering around in grief and oppressed by my damn old ovaries! Betrayed by my own body and mind, acting as my oppressors. 

If there was one thing I would say to someone wandering around in similar grief:

YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN

God loves you. AS IS. Do no let infertility whisper this lie to you anymore. The answer is 100% yes.

 He remembers you. 

He is the rock you can stand on during this whole journey. He is the one that will remind you of your great purpose and worth with or without pregnancy. He is the one that will redeem your infertility and make it into a story about him pursuing YOU to be a part of his kingdom.
I have been there sister, loved by God. I know the darkness and distrust that can take root. I began to not trust God. Not trust him with my prayers. I began to fear the worse. I needed to be reminded and then I stumbled across this video:

The chapter: Recurring Loss

Blogging about infertility can mean, from time to time, the less jovial post.

This last month we drifted out of the waters of infertility and into the vast ocean of recurring loss.

Infertility can keep you wearingly treading to keep your chin above the waters of insecurity.

 Recurring Loss simply drowns you in grief. 

Infertility is struggle to get pregnant, recurring loss is the struggle to stay pregnant.

Many ask if it hurts less with a child at home or does it hurt less with each time. (These are legitimate questions- I like and understand why you ask- always ask rather than assume).

After hearing the news of the loss, I got to go home a see a family that remains precious AS IS. Any further additions will be welcomed with joy and praise and still my heart is currently complete with my spectacular family of three. I am so overwhelmed with thankfulness for Little Man that I do not as quickly feel forgotten my God as I did times before. He brought together a beautiful family. He redeemed my broken body by using it to guide us on a journey to meet the most incredible little boy- and in his grace I got to take this little boy home and call him MINE. This journey led my Hubs and I to place our worth and identity in God alone. A lesson difficult but amazing to learn. That said……..

"Does it hurt less with little man home?"

I smile a little and lie a little. The real answer seems too harsh to say out loud.

"Yeah, it hurts less."

But the truth is…..

One day there is a heart beating inside you. The next day that life is gone.

One day hope pulsates within of you. The next day that hope is gone.

Not a lot makes that hurt less, maybe just hurts differently.

For those who keep trying to conceive (Or have conceived) after recurring loss, what are ways you stay encouraged to keep trying? What resources, books, songs or scriptures keep you uplifted?

Would you consider sharing your story as a resource for those just starting this new chapter of our story?

Reclaiming April

"Dreading a due date after miscarriage."

You see, I have googled that exact sentence before.

6 months later the world, even my world, continued to spin around. It had not come to a halt like I thought it might. I had started to heal. My husband diligently worked to purge the mail and email of the reminders and updates I had signed up for to track my pregnancy.  I allowed myself days and weeks to not even consider how far along I should be, or what milestone I should be hitting.  People announcing their pregnancies no longer elicited bitterness (Sorry about that guys).  I had survived.

Then came April. With April came this dread. This was supposed to be a month of ending and a month of beginning. A highly anticipated month, 2 and half years in the making. Boxes of free samples began to showup at our door as I had eagerly enrolled in several online promotions at the start of pregnancy. Hubs was caught hiding all the formula and diaper samples in the guest room dresser.  Gerber, Pampers, Huggies, and Similac were all kind enough to send  "Congratulations on New Baby"cards.

I dreaded the end of April.  Because I knew my April was suppose to be different. As April 31 arrived, I retreated away from friends and family.  I was unfairly angry at them as they were falsely condemned  for not remembering this date (and sorry about that too).

"This was NOT MY APRIL!"  
April had come and gone.  I had been robbed.

Should Be's and Suppose To's are the curse of a miscarriage. They sneak around grabbing moments with- I "should be " finding out the sex today or I am "suppose to be" greeting my baby today. They are quick to injure as we yell out, "This is not how it is suppose to be!" And I think it ok to allow ourselves that cry. It is ok to allow yourself  a chance to re-grieve as this dooming due date approaches.

 I let the Should Be's and Suppose To's rob April from me.

Yet with the ever 20/20 hindsight, I see it differently. I was suppose to be finishing up my spring semester and talking to my husband about going part time or quitting my job soon.  I was suppose to be pouring into friends and community and growing friendships and family that would soon change my life. My heart was being prepared for thing I could not see. April was exactly what it Should Be. It was indeed MY APRIL.

Because then came May. 

In May we decided to adopt Baby D. Would I have had MY MAY without MY APRIL?
Maybe, maybe not.

Contrary to how I felt for several months, I did not deserve or give myself a miscarriage. I might always wonder how differently my life might look today and I do not always believe "it was for the best". I still struggle analyzing the suppose to's or should be's.  But I do believe that God redeemed the loss. He redeemed April and used it to bring me May.

Here Comes the Sun

Sure, I can blame the all the concussions from soccer, or maybe I need to be taking Ginkgo on a daily basis, but I struggle to remember events, days, ok even years! I am not talking about I can't remember my 4 yr old birthday. This is as big as I cannot remember the day I met my sister-in-law for the first time 6 years ago, getting my driver's license at 16, or even what I did for New Years in 2011! I feel very left out during those: "Let's Reminisce" moments with friends and family. I always awkwardly ask, "oh was I there" and then every one stares at me like I am an alcoholic.

I am not one for resolutions or reflections. They make me feel like I am trying to hard. But maybe I need to spend a little time reflecting over the year so that at the dinner table Dec 31, 2013, I can laugh while people share memories of the year because I will have these memories too.

The problem with reflections of 2012 is it has a one dark cloud  that is shadowing over some wonderful experiences that I feel I can no longer enjoy to the fullest. 

I will never again have the first-time-to-find-out-your-pregnant moment.

And IT WAS GREAT!

I want to remember that.

I want to remember roaming around my house bewildered and overcome, screaming "I'm pregnant!" in every room because I simply did not know what to do with my self.

I want to remember calling my husband at work, trying to play it cool and asking him to try to come home early for dinner. (He could tell immediately and left work right away! I never am good at playing it cool :))

I want to remember lying on the bed together- thinking- We Did it! Your Sperm- My Egg! And crying out to God in thanksgiving and begging for guidance.

I want to remember hearing my mom on the phone almost pass out from the news- super glad she wasn't driving-and hearing my dad choke back tears and trying to whisper in the courthouse where he worked.

I want to remember my in-laws opening their present with a onesie inside and looking at us with confused and excited faces and shouting- "I knew it".

I want to remember the first time I threw up at work and called my mom because I was excited to get to experience morning sickness and then calling my mom after a weeks of throwing up at working, crying because I was experiencing morning sickness.

How precious and perfect are these memories and I don't want to forget them and I refuse to let them be robbed from me because of the circumstances.

Hubs and I are selfishly celebrating our 6 year anniversary in St. Thomas. What-What! So roll on dark cloud! I plan to reflect, resolve, and move into 2013 filled with strength and joy and I am excited to see what happens next.