Reclaiming April

"Dreading a due date after miscarriage."

You see, I have googled that exact sentence before.

6 months later the world, even my world, continued to spin around. It had not come to a halt like I thought it might. I had started to heal. My husband diligently worked to purge the mail and email of the reminders and updates I had signed up for to track my pregnancy.  I allowed myself days and weeks to not even consider how far along I should be, or what milestone I should be hitting.  People announcing their pregnancies no longer elicited bitterness (Sorry about that guys).  I had survived.

Then came April. With April came this dread. This was supposed to be a month of ending and a month of beginning. A highly anticipated month, 2 and half years in the making. Boxes of free samples began to showup at our door as I had eagerly enrolled in several online promotions at the start of pregnancy. Hubs was caught hiding all the formula and diaper samples in the guest room dresser.  Gerber, Pampers, Huggies, and Similac were all kind enough to send  "Congratulations on New Baby"cards.

I dreaded the end of April.  Because I knew my April was suppose to be different. As April 31 arrived, I retreated away from friends and family.  I was unfairly angry at them as they were falsely condemned  for not remembering this date (and sorry about that too).

"This was NOT MY APRIL!"  
April had come and gone.  I had been robbed.

Should Be's and Suppose To's are the curse of a miscarriage. They sneak around grabbing moments with- I "should be " finding out the sex today or I am "suppose to be" greeting my baby today. They are quick to injure as we yell out, "This is not how it is suppose to be!" And I think it ok to allow ourselves that cry. It is ok to allow yourself  a chance to re-grieve as this dooming due date approaches.

 I let the Should Be's and Suppose To's rob April from me.

Yet with the ever 20/20 hindsight, I see it differently. I was suppose to be finishing up my spring semester and talking to my husband about going part time or quitting my job soon.  I was suppose to be pouring into friends and community and growing friendships and family that would soon change my life. My heart was being prepared for thing I could not see. April was exactly what it Should Be. It was indeed MY APRIL.

Because then came May. 

In May we decided to adopt Baby D. Would I have had MY MAY without MY APRIL?
Maybe, maybe not.

Contrary to how I felt for several months, I did not deserve or give myself a miscarriage. I might always wonder how differently my life might look today and I do not always believe "it was for the best". I still struggle analyzing the suppose to's or should be's.  But I do believe that God redeemed the loss. He redeemed April and used it to bring me May.